i'm 23 already. omg that sounds pretty old. ok no, that sounds very old. haha a very simple day this year,no cakes,no celebration, just a day out to sentosa flowers with my family and the bf. appreciate that he came along though he was a little unwell :) then ended the day with a night walk around botanic gardens, not very romantic with the very dark surroundings and mozzie as companions but still, it's just the 2 of us :)
didnt manage to write a new year post at the start of this month, which i did last year. so now it will be very long reflective bday post haha.
slowly, as the final sem sets in,the responsibilities of being an adult start sinking in,and weighing on the shoulders. struggling to stay within second upper, at the same time, trying to know what i want to do upon graduation. it's not exactly a very easy task, compared to say an accountant, who normally just start off in the big 4. business students will have to decide which industry to go, so more choices = more confusion. and for engineering students, our boon becomes our bane as we are rather flexible to go anywhere we want, and that creates a whole new world of choices.. or rather, dilemmas. this crossroad is a very important one and though we are still young and wont probably stick to that first job forever, it's still our first proper taste of the real society and it's really crucial we make that informed decision. i have a few options in mind, swinging from one to the other from day to day, week to week. of course i'm just gonna spam applications first, see who wants me haha. but all these soul searching, thinking about what i foresee myself doing, what i want to do, and what i can do... can be overwhelming at times. and this is just the beginning of real adulthood :)
being 23 also means some of your friends start to get married, some others already applying flats, and being in a relationship currently makes these situations even more related to me. i'll start wondering, and friends around me start asking. it's not a bad thing, it's just that i get weird feelings about this issue. no one is perfect and me and him are no exception. being tgt until now simply means we treasure each other's good points more than the bad points. but at times, i will wonder, how long will this last? recent news that my aunt got divorced had a great impact on me bcos all these years, they were my role models, overcoming the odds of an intercontinental relationship, trying for more than 10 yrs then got their own child and now.. marriage just seem like a joke to me. i will still want to get married but i am starting to get afraid. i said i had weird feelings bcos somehow i can see myself living tgt with him, happily married. but i cant see myself actually saying yes if he were to ever propose. saying yes is such a huge decision, it's like a very huge and risky gamble. and i wanna have kids. i wanna be a good parent, but i feel he wont be. and this bothers me a lot. then also, 1 + 1 is not = 2. there are circumstances/external influences to consider e.g. concerned parents to convince.. i am a very bad liar, and being overly honest with my mother about him sometimes just makes her have a not very good impression about him. and being sandwiched is tougher than i imagined. when you are happily in love, enjoying the present, yet you do not foresee a bright future with him... what should u do? stop wasting each other's time and just give up? or close one eye and blindly follow him to the future that may not even exist? i'm not emo here, i'm just very seriously thinking about it. this is part and parcel of being in a relationship i guess, just hope i'll never regret whateva decision i make in the future :)
oh and 23 is the year i hit the peak of my weight and waistline! hahhaa, shopping for cny this yr is terrible, i've grew out of my usual jeans size, and i hate fitting rooms more than ever! slowly, these increase in fats/weight are eroding away my sef-esteem and it sucks. i become especially self-conscious in front of the bf, so much so i find myself a little paranoid haha. so in a fit of frustration, i signed up for kickboxing and yoga lessons! always wanted to join these classes in cc but i procastinated as usual. now that everything is paid for, well, no excuses to not go for them diligently! hope that 130 bucks will be well spent! :) and i also made an appointment with the national skin center, something i had wanted to do for years and years... it's about the removal of my mole. nothing is concrete at the moment and my mum is super against it, but at least i'm going for the consultation. i'll see what the doc says first and no matter what, i've tried to fulfil life-long wish :) i need to be stronger in my personality, and be truer to myself . thats the nice way of putting it la, but simply put, i need that rebellious element in my sister! haha!
ok time to go to bed, cny has ended for me, tmr back to fyp! i'm getting nowhere in my project, it's really devastating.. but i'll try to face it with optimism! :)
CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR AND BEST WISHES TO ALL MY LOVED ONES! :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
late night
whenever i cant slp, it's bad news. if i cant slp and i am online blogging, it almost certainly is a very bad news. it means i am emo, and yes i am now.
just really upset about what's going on between me and my mum these days. she doesnt trust me, doesnt hear me out, doesnt let me explain. and similarly, i get frustrated, argue with her, become impolite and spiteful. and its a vicious cycle. and everything can be a topic of argument.
and i'm deeply affected by the bf. whenever he feels moody, i become moody too. like today. it kind of upset our relationship though not really very serious kind.but recently, he's giving me a lack of insecurity and i dont like that. i dont know how to get across to him, he most probably wont change anyway. but i do realise i really like him and what's more, we just booked our grad trip. i'll have to maintain for at least the next half a yr. just really hope it will last much more longer than that...
fyp screws me up like shit. school's starting. i need to start getting a job. everything is just.. overwhelming. and the recent spell of insomnia is not helping.
there are always good and bad nights. we just hope the morning will be better. goodnight world.
just really upset about what's going on between me and my mum these days. she doesnt trust me, doesnt hear me out, doesnt let me explain. and similarly, i get frustrated, argue with her, become impolite and spiteful. and its a vicious cycle. and everything can be a topic of argument.
and i'm deeply affected by the bf. whenever he feels moody, i become moody too. like today. it kind of upset our relationship though not really very serious kind.but recently, he's giving me a lack of insecurity and i dont like that. i dont know how to get across to him, he most probably wont change anyway. but i do realise i really like him and what's more, we just booked our grad trip. i'll have to maintain for at least the next half a yr. just really hope it will last much more longer than that...
fyp screws me up like shit. school's starting. i need to start getting a job. everything is just.. overwhelming. and the recent spell of insomnia is not helping.
there are always good and bad nights. we just hope the morning will be better. goodnight world.
Friday, December 9, 2011
my ideal holiday
almost 50% done for my interim report. *heaves a sigh of relief* only 1.5 more days to finish up the remaining 50% *grabs hair and frown*
normally this kind of saturation point will lead to google about things i like.. and i went to read about contiki tours, europe and new zealand... realise what i really want to do in a trip, though maybe not be practical to have everything on this list in one place but well, i'll just make a list to make myself happy thinking abt it! haha
Accomodation: totally dont mind budget hotel/hostels but camping out in tents shld be restricting to about 2 nights. hotels are nice but something i would be willing to forgo for some extra cash :)
Food: i'm not a picky eater, but neither am i very adventurous when it comes to food. as long as not too exotic and of course not too ex! but having local food is important, i.e. eat pizzas in italy, pastries in france, dim sum in hk etc
Activities: here's the main point! my ideal holiday will consist of exciting activities , great scenery (be it man-made or natural) and opportunity to relax. I'm not exactly into the culture/history stuff, though a little on the sightseeing of certain important sites are very welcomed. AND i am not very into shopping seriously haha. some souvenirs shopping will do :)
Yep so my ideal holiday should include:
- a few activities from PLAY (e.g. sky-diving, winter skiing, black water rafting,hot air balloon,theme parks)
- a few activities from CHILL(e.g. hot springs, beach, massages/spas)
- some relaxed trekking and 1/2 night out camping for NATURE (e.g. mountains/lakes/cliffs/skies/waterfall/glaciers whateva, mother nature is beautiful in itself)
- famous tourist spots SIGHTSEE (e.g. Effiel Tower, castles in France, gondola rides etc)
ok anyone can plan a nice holiday that includes all those above for me? budget about 3k inclusive of air tix? thankyou! hahahha
end of day-dreaming session.
normally this kind of saturation point will lead to google about things i like.. and i went to read about contiki tours, europe and new zealand... realise what i really want to do in a trip, though maybe not be practical to have everything on this list in one place but well, i'll just make a list to make myself happy thinking abt it! haha
Accomodation: totally dont mind budget hotel/hostels but camping out in tents shld be restricting to about 2 nights. hotels are nice but something i would be willing to forgo for some extra cash :)
Food: i'm not a picky eater, but neither am i very adventurous when it comes to food. as long as not too exotic and of course not too ex! but having local food is important, i.e. eat pizzas in italy, pastries in france, dim sum in hk etc
Activities: here's the main point! my ideal holiday will consist of exciting activities , great scenery (be it man-made or natural) and opportunity to relax. I'm not exactly into the culture/history stuff, though a little on the sightseeing of certain important sites are very welcomed. AND i am not very into shopping seriously haha. some souvenirs shopping will do :)
Yep so my ideal holiday should include:
- a few activities from PLAY (e.g. sky-diving, winter skiing, black water rafting,hot air balloon,theme parks)
- a few activities from CHILL(e.g. hot springs, beach, massages/spas)
- some relaxed trekking and 1/2 night out camping for NATURE (e.g. mountains/lakes/cliffs/skies/waterfall/glaciers whateva, mother nature is beautiful in itself)
- famous tourist spots SIGHTSEE (e.g. Effiel Tower, castles in France, gondola rides etc)
ok anyone can plan a nice holiday that includes all those above for me? budget about 3k inclusive of air tix? thankyou! hahahha
end of day-dreaming session.
another day
another unproductive day i would say. missed him, so went over to his house.. end up doing very little work and spent most time watching movie and eating.. and before the end of the day he had to childishly irritate me. yea he apologises, it's really a childish little matter so i had no reason to remain angry for long. but well, still it sort of spoilt the day for me.
and happen to know that recently that unfortunate guy who died on the news was a good friend of my good friend. and she is, though a very strong person, really quite upset. and it affects me too to a certain extent. i do realise that this year had been a really bad year, i lost a family friend whom i've greatly respected, been to quite a few funerals, and had many friends who were badly affected either by the deaths of their close friends or family members. and i mean many. i just took the elective psychology of crisis stress management, that talks about handling emotional issues from trauma/crisis. it's been really useful i would say.. but it's so conveniently timed that i happened to take this module this sem that makes me wonder.. maybe it's all fated.
there are many issues in life, we grow up and proceed to face them.. and these challenges just get more and more. i've yet to enter into working life, but have heard about the frustrations from my friends. and being in a relationship is another issue by itself. all the sweet happy stuff aside, this love is not just about two person. he gave me my xmas gift in advance today: another necklace. of course i liked it, regardless of how much it cost (it's swaroski crystal but was on groupon sale) and at least it's something i can use. but back home my mum commented what a useless gift, especially when he had already bought a necklace for me last time. no matter how irrelevant her comments were, it does still affect me, becos it doesn't feel good to know ur mum do not have a very good impression of ur bf. and this brings on another chain of thoughts, be it senseless worries or wild imagination, just making the night worse.
and then there's grad trip. supposed to be a wonderful thing. but issues of weird combination of friends, especially when u know u might end up going with someone you dont feel like going with but u have no choice. and what ur friends want to go/play/visit/do might not be aligned with yours and there's this dilema of enjoying yourself or giving in to people. and when i voice out this worries to mum, she'll suggest me not to go, since not much money then my blahblah friend also never go grad trip and started work to earn money right away and i shld learn from her blahblahblah..
and fyp really sucks. my prof is nice, but maybe too nice. he's not harsh on us and everything seems ok to him whatever i said. but that's the problem: every meeting he gives me new suggestions new clarifications new enlightenment and i get so disoriented and confused that until now, i still dont know what i'm supposed to do with my project. and the machine i need to use is spoilt and no one can tell me when it will be repaired. everyday i open the word doc, seriously want to finish my interim report, but i just end up typing nothing because.. i dont know how to.
life is so unpredictable and being still luckily alive, it is supposed to make everything else not matter that much.but you know you cant: we still get affected by the tiniest thing that upsets us, no matter how minor that setback/challenge might be.
and that's life.
ok it's just a bad end to the day.
and happen to know that recently that unfortunate guy who died on the news was a good friend of my good friend. and she is, though a very strong person, really quite upset. and it affects me too to a certain extent. i do realise that this year had been a really bad year, i lost a family friend whom i've greatly respected, been to quite a few funerals, and had many friends who were badly affected either by the deaths of their close friends or family members. and i mean many. i just took the elective psychology of crisis stress management, that talks about handling emotional issues from trauma/crisis. it's been really useful i would say.. but it's so conveniently timed that i happened to take this module this sem that makes me wonder.. maybe it's all fated.
there are many issues in life, we grow up and proceed to face them.. and these challenges just get more and more. i've yet to enter into working life, but have heard about the frustrations from my friends. and being in a relationship is another issue by itself. all the sweet happy stuff aside, this love is not just about two person. he gave me my xmas gift in advance today: another necklace. of course i liked it, regardless of how much it cost (it's swaroski crystal but was on groupon sale) and at least it's something i can use. but back home my mum commented what a useless gift, especially when he had already bought a necklace for me last time. no matter how irrelevant her comments were, it does still affect me, becos it doesn't feel good to know ur mum do not have a very good impression of ur bf. and this brings on another chain of thoughts, be it senseless worries or wild imagination, just making the night worse.
and then there's grad trip. supposed to be a wonderful thing. but issues of weird combination of friends, especially when u know u might end up going with someone you dont feel like going with but u have no choice. and what ur friends want to go/play/visit/do might not be aligned with yours and there's this dilema of enjoying yourself or giving in to people. and when i voice out this worries to mum, she'll suggest me not to go, since not much money then my blahblah friend also never go grad trip and started work to earn money right away and i shld learn from her blahblahblah..
and fyp really sucks. my prof is nice, but maybe too nice. he's not harsh on us and everything seems ok to him whatever i said. but that's the problem: every meeting he gives me new suggestions new clarifications new enlightenment and i get so disoriented and confused that until now, i still dont know what i'm supposed to do with my project. and the machine i need to use is spoilt and no one can tell me when it will be repaired. everyday i open the word doc, seriously want to finish my interim report, but i just end up typing nothing because.. i dont know how to.
life is so unpredictable and being still luckily alive, it is supposed to make everything else not matter that much.but you know you cant: we still get affected by the tiniest thing that upsets us, no matter how minor that setback/challenge might be.
and that's life.
ok it's just a bad end to the day.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
tonight
exams are finally over, i'm really glad. most of the papers were quite bad, but i expected that. though it's fyp time now, it's more of a long draggy war than a quick intense battle so ya, quite different. just hope to get the interim report done for monday's deadline then shall give myself a good break. i need to meet my friends, i am becoming socially withdrawn..
i'm quite surprised i still rmb the existence of this blog, haven't been really facebooking also these days, but been tweeting a lot. i still like this feeling, of blogging, of writing down loads of random thoughts. i believe our minds need to have a break by letting out all these thoughts somewhere, somehow.
my boyfriend is a man of few words, haha really few, in certain aspect. sometimes i feel like i need someone who can talk more, who will respond more actively when i complain to him, when i sms him. i thought i'll get fed up with him rather soon, but thankfully nope, not yet :) well, though quiet, he has his own of way of being the supportive guy i need him to be. a strong tight hug or just a peck on the forehead sometimes is better than anything else to cure me of my frustrations. basically, he is not the perfect guy i wanted, and might not even be mr right eventually, but for now, it's enough :)
2 more days i can go swimming again! ya time of the month haha. procastinating my exercise regime is one of the top reasons i hate myself for. my house doesnt have a big enough mirror in the bathroom for me to look at my bare back so all along i thought my back was okay since it felt smooth and no huge pimples popping for very long alrdy. but that day at a fitting room while shopping, just brought me back to reality that its really quite bad! mainly acne scars from secondary school days and they are very obvious. ugly ttm. saw some magazine recommended a medical peel for this kind, but guess i can only afford when i start working. :(
met a very random professor in schl ystd, we dont know each other but he was trying to be friendly in the lift, so we started chatting. and he reminded me about finding a job soon, since graduation is only half a yr away. well, honestly, i know that is important, but planning for grad trip is like before finding a job on my to-do list.. haha. i ended up thinking about the job thingy again ystd night but again, not much conclusion. oh wells.
tonight i will be (hopefully) productively working on the interim report overnight, need to settle it before sunday evening cos we'll be celebrating my dad's bday. i am still quite lost in the fyp but i am just inching my way through, waiting for everything to be over soon. i'm not expecting much, i just need a B (worst case of course) for this 10AU and a decent final sem next yr shld do the job.
wish me inspirations and determination to be productive tonight.. meanwhile, goodnight world!
P.S. to that one/two of u who still reads this, haha hello! i'll blog more this holiday but it's gonna be boring! lol
i'm quite surprised i still rmb the existence of this blog, haven't been really facebooking also these days, but been tweeting a lot. i still like this feeling, of blogging, of writing down loads of random thoughts. i believe our minds need to have a break by letting out all these thoughts somewhere, somehow.
my boyfriend is a man of few words, haha really few, in certain aspect. sometimes i feel like i need someone who can talk more, who will respond more actively when i complain to him, when i sms him. i thought i'll get fed up with him rather soon, but thankfully nope, not yet :) well, though quiet, he has his own of way of being the supportive guy i need him to be. a strong tight hug or just a peck on the forehead sometimes is better than anything else to cure me of my frustrations. basically, he is not the perfect guy i wanted, and might not even be mr right eventually, but for now, it's enough :)
2 more days i can go swimming again! ya time of the month haha. procastinating my exercise regime is one of the top reasons i hate myself for. my house doesnt have a big enough mirror in the bathroom for me to look at my bare back so all along i thought my back was okay since it felt smooth and no huge pimples popping for very long alrdy. but that day at a fitting room while shopping, just brought me back to reality that its really quite bad! mainly acne scars from secondary school days and they are very obvious. ugly ttm. saw some magazine recommended a medical peel for this kind, but guess i can only afford when i start working. :(
met a very random professor in schl ystd, we dont know each other but he was trying to be friendly in the lift, so we started chatting. and he reminded me about finding a job soon, since graduation is only half a yr away. well, honestly, i know that is important, but planning for grad trip is like before finding a job on my to-do list.. haha. i ended up thinking about the job thingy again ystd night but again, not much conclusion. oh wells.
tonight i will be (hopefully) productively working on the interim report overnight, need to settle it before sunday evening cos we'll be celebrating my dad's bday. i am still quite lost in the fyp but i am just inching my way through, waiting for everything to be over soon. i'm not expecting much, i just need a B (worst case of course) for this 10AU and a decent final sem next yr shld do the job.
wish me inspirations and determination to be productive tonight.. meanwhile, goodnight world!
P.S. to that one/two of u who still reads this, haha hello! i'll blog more this holiday but it's gonna be boring! lol
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
what's next?
Dear blog,
i'm back. almost the same feelings and thoughts and mood as the last 2 posts. haha nth new. nth to update you about. but i just feel like i need to type. need to tell someone something somewhere. but i dont really know what things i want to tell so i cant really tell to a real person. so hi!
by the way you know the bad guy named 'exams'? he is coming again. and i hate it already even before he arrives. but this time he brought along other bad guys called the 'FYP' and the 'plsstartfindingajob'. oh and not to forget that renegade named 'J&J'. he's not really a bad guy, he is quite sweet sometimes but can get on my nerves/ add on to my stress at the wrong times. i'm so scared :(
i dont even feel like meeting my fav friends 'junkfood' now. normally they can cheer me up whenever 'exams' comes knocking on the door. but now not really. wonder whats wrong.
ok blog i need to go out for dinner now and collect sth from singpost that i bought for the renegade. hope it's nice. thank you blog for being here with endless amount of patience time and dedication to hear my 'lorlilorso'. haha oops i forgot u are born in the country 'internet'. this term is singlish/hokkein from my country.ok bye.
your dearest penpal,
jingru.
i'm back. almost the same feelings and thoughts and mood as the last 2 posts. haha nth new. nth to update you about. but i just feel like i need to type. need to tell someone something somewhere. but i dont really know what things i want to tell so i cant really tell to a real person. so hi!
by the way you know the bad guy named 'exams'? he is coming again. and i hate it already even before he arrives. but this time he brought along other bad guys called the 'FYP' and the 'plsstartfindingajob'. oh and not to forget that renegade named 'J&J'. he's not really a bad guy, he is quite sweet sometimes but can get on my nerves/ add on to my stress at the wrong times. i'm so scared :(
i dont even feel like meeting my fav friends 'junkfood' now. normally they can cheer me up whenever 'exams' comes knocking on the door. but now not really. wonder whats wrong.
ok blog i need to go out for dinner now and collect sth from singpost that i bought for the renegade. hope it's nice. thank you blog for being here with endless amount of patience time and dedication to hear my 'lorlilorso'. haha oops i forgot u are born in the country 'internet'. this term is singlish/hokkein from my country.ok bye.
your dearest penpal,
jingru.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
past midnight
this is day 4 of recess week. as expected, i have nothing done. this situation is so familiar yet i cannot rmb how i allowed myself to back into this state again. haha
its 00:15 on my computer.
when i am alone wide awake in the quiet night, i realise i feel calmer. there are still a lot of thoughts running thru my mind, but they seem quieter than in the day.
just reading up some motivational blogs. been doing this recently, since the start of 2011. at the spur of moments when i am reading them, i do get inspired. some unknown sense of determination and courage to change all of the sudden. but unfortunately they dont seem to last.
the modern life revolving about iphone games,apps, facebook twitter and even tv (i know ppl dont really watch tv now, at least not from that box in your living room, but i still do bcos of cable lol) makes us busy all the time. but when asked what are we busy about, we cant really give a decent answer.
i have a thousand things on my to-do list. some old, from years ago, some new, some are just temporary. yet so far 4 days of term break i did nothing. ok no wait, i did one thing. but i dont even know whether that was right to do so. i hope i didnt just spoil our relationship by telling him that becos i know he got worried. and that in turn makes me worried too.
i feel like i need a personal assistant, a personal trainer. someone to enforce the right thinking and habits into me. for stuff as minor as eating more fruits and drinking more water, to exercise, to being studious and to managing the relationship. i know what i should be doing to achieve my goals. i really do know.but i dont know how to make sure i am doing those stuff. i just seem to give up somewhere along the way.
i told myself maybe i will be inspired tonight from all those readings, then go to bed waking up tmr all new and changed. but i guess it wont really happen? haha and the cycle will just repeat itself. oh so ironic.
its 00:15 on my computer.
when i am alone wide awake in the quiet night, i realise i feel calmer. there are still a lot of thoughts running thru my mind, but they seem quieter than in the day.
just reading up some motivational blogs. been doing this recently, since the start of 2011. at the spur of moments when i am reading them, i do get inspired. some unknown sense of determination and courage to change all of the sudden. but unfortunately they dont seem to last.
the modern life revolving about iphone games,apps, facebook twitter and even tv (i know ppl dont really watch tv now, at least not from that box in your living room, but i still do bcos of cable lol) makes us busy all the time. but when asked what are we busy about, we cant really give a decent answer.
i have a thousand things on my to-do list. some old, from years ago, some new, some are just temporary. yet so far 4 days of term break i did nothing. ok no wait, i did one thing. but i dont even know whether that was right to do so. i hope i didnt just spoil our relationship by telling him that becos i know he got worried. and that in turn makes me worried too.
i feel like i need a personal assistant, a personal trainer. someone to enforce the right thinking and habits into me. for stuff as minor as eating more fruits and drinking more water, to exercise, to being studious and to managing the relationship. i know what i should be doing to achieve my goals. i really do know.but i dont know how to make sure i am doing those stuff. i just seem to give up somewhere along the way.
i told myself maybe i will be inspired tonight from all those readings, then go to bed waking up tmr all new and changed. but i guess it wont really happen? haha and the cycle will just repeat itself. oh so ironic.
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