one random night

it's a saturday night. some people spend it clubbing, catching a late night movie, catching up on sleep. everyone else in this house is asleep.

it's not exactly Saturday for me, since everyday seems the same. i ponder over why no one calls me up for an interview given the loads of application i sent out and the self-assumption that i am afterall, a rather qualified applicant. i wake up to either being stuck at home doing housework, or stoning with the boyfriend fretting on both our job hunting woes. subconsciously i get so stressed over this that a few days back i just broke down. picked up something to quarrel with my mum and ran out of house in the middle of the night. but sis found me crying a few blocks away, and all i could do was follow her back. actually its not the quarrel, it wasn't about anyone, its just i felt like i needed to cry, to let out what i have been thinking about all day and night and everything just came bursting out.

being jobless is not fun at all. yes u get to enjoy life before your life is stuck with monday blues and OT for the next 35 years of your life. but no one really knows what it feels like to be so lost and unwanted and aimless. almost all my friends have a job, whether or not they have a better or worse resume/grades than me.its not like i didn't actively search for one. its not like i did badly for interview-- i dont even get any interview after i failed the police one.

being jobless is just one part. being aimless is another. i am just spamming applications but i dont really know what i want. wanted to go job agencies but i dont know what jobs to ask them help me look out for. i am neither interested nor feel qualified enough to be an engineer, but it pays well and is decently boring like me. i want to be in the aviation industry for non-technical positions but they almost never hire fresh grad; those that accept, i already applied but no news.

its like u need to consider a thousand factors: the requirements, the pay, career advancement opportunities, your interest, working conditions, job satisfaction, reputation/scale of company etc etc. recently i have been thinking, if there wasn't a need for shift work, air traffic controller would be an excellent choice. but i need to be rotating between 3 shifts every few days for at least 7/8 years and that is a big turnoff. sometimes i think i am too picky, but i really hope i get to do what i want + what i can + what is good (well, actually who doesn't, lol)

last time when it comes to deciding your JC/stream/uni/degree, they were crossroads too. but it's like you've been through 4 or 5 t-junctions in residential areas, now suddenly u're thrown into a 6 lane junction in the middle of expressways. it's like... i am not prepared for this.

sometimes i feel like if only i was bonded to a company for scholarship. or if only my course is so specific, like a lawyer/doctor/physiotherapist/architect, i have no choice at all. but life is life."if only" are just there for ppl like me to have an excuse to whine about haha.

actually i think partly my course has screwed me up (we know from ppl going exchange or interns from other unis, that any other overseas uni's aerospace degree is ten times better ours) and partly i screwed myself up. i really learnt nothing much from the 4 year. and sadly its too late to regret it.

besides the job woes, life has been the same for me as always. trying to lose weight but never find the determination to. plain and boring love life which you can see it as being stable. i've been trying to find a proper hobby to make myself feel more..eh.. wholesome. lol. like photography for some of my friends, drawing, reading, cycling. all these i do from time to time but not exactly a hobby. i am looking for something i like and will continue doing on a long time regular basis. for now, the closest thing for me is watching tv lo. hahaha

ever since dont know when (some time in my uni years), it's been very difficult to sleep at night. i take about 1 hour on average to fall asleep and thats kinda torturing. my mind will be filled with thoughts and i just cant help it. tried controlling my breathing, counting sheep, haha all sorts of things i heard of i also try before. the best sleep i had of recent years would be when i was on grad trip and last year's hongkong trip haha. nothing to really ponder about and extremely tired from the travelling and all is happy. aiyo makes me want to travel again!

oh i had randomly googled how much money it takes to travel the world for a year and apparently thats a very common question! haha.and the answer is as little as possible. because first, you'll never save enough to last a year so you've to somehow earn some money/work in exchange for meal/accoms along the way; secondly, the lesser you start with, the more you are willing to compromise (like go on budget instead of staying in hotels/good food) and the longer you will last. i think if i were ever be crazy enough to do so, it would be in between job switches and must be (a) i am not in a relationship or (b) my partner must go with me ( that sounds so romantic right! but a bit impossible la) hai, sometimes single is like so much more carefree lo. hahaha

feeling a little sleepy. time to end this messy long post haha. blogging is actually quite therapeutic :)