The petty big sister

That's me. Very often the general view is that having siblings is better than an only child. I would agree most of the time, at least when I am not pissed at my sister or any favouritism shown by my mum which might have jolly well been hallucinated by the jealousy inside me. But yes right now I am upset being the elder sister, the one helping out with housework , stays out of trouble and thinks about the family before I make any decision.

When I ain't pissed, I am proud of my sister, the famous female armor officer, the aww-so-fit one- and-only female commander of the latest leopard tank and also the best shooter in the unit, the one studying in Bristol on scholarship and gets to travel almost the whole of Europe before she even reach a quarter of a century old. But this means totally different to me when I am frustrated and jealous. Like NOW.

I am angry that she gets to slack at home while I help out with the housework. What's more, she contributes to the bulk of the chores. About half the laundry load belongs to her. And my mum needs
To pack her exercise bag with the towels and attire etc FOR HER. She's like the queen at home who doesn't even wash her own dishes or tidy her own desk.

And she goes wake boarding for 45 bucks an hour while the family is fretting over her huge debt she got herself into. And I ain't even supposed to talk about this (as instructed by my mum, yup so read and forget about it k) but it irks me that she doesn't care about the money she spends while I hurried myself into a job I don't like because I foresee we need the money really soon. Basically she failed her subjects so badly she can't progress to the 3rd year of Uni and that according to her scholarship contract terms, is a kind of bond breaking if she can't finish her degree in 3 years. And one can guess how much money we need to pay back for breaking a bond that provided allowances, salary and overseas tuition fees. So instead of studying in her free time while waiting for the appeal results, she just plays around whenever she is not working. And the fact that she is working is the reason why my mum doesn't even feel like she needs to help out with the chores at home. FINE, then I shall slack around with my legs on the tables when I start work then.

Sometimes I wonder if I was a mouse in my previous life. I lack courage to do things I like. I succumb to reality, to practical needs like studying the traditional degree, getting a stable job. And the fact that my sis screws uP her overseas studies just slap me on my face again because back then I WANTED to go overseas too. But I didn't even attempt applying for overseas scholarships because I knew she wanted to go and it makes no sense to leave my parents alone here in Singapore. And I THOUGHT she would be better than me, the high flyer which I can never be. Then it all turned out wrong.

Maybe it could be worse, I don't know. I only know that right now I hate myself for being the elder child. The one who is forever timid.