past midnight

this is day 4 of recess week. as expected, i have nothing done. this situation is so familiar yet i cannot rmb how i allowed myself to back into this state again. haha

its 00:15 on my computer.
when i am alone wide awake in the quiet night, i realise i feel calmer. there are still a lot of thoughts running thru my mind, but they seem quieter than in the day.

just reading up some motivational blogs. been doing this recently, since the start of 2011. at the spur of moments when i am reading them, i do get inspired. some unknown sense of determination and courage to change all of the sudden. but unfortunately they dont seem to last.

the modern life revolving about iphone games,apps, facebook twitter and even tv (i know ppl dont really watch tv now, at least not from that box in your living room, but i still do bcos of cable lol) makes us busy all the time. but when asked what are we busy about, we cant really give a decent answer.

i have a thousand things on my to-do list. some old, from years ago, some new, some are just temporary. yet so far 4 days of term break i did nothing. ok no wait, i did one thing. but i dont even know whether that was right to do so. i hope i didnt just spoil our relationship by telling him that becos i know he got worried. and that in turn makes me worried too.

i feel like i need a personal assistant, a personal trainer. someone to enforce the right thinking and habits into me. for stuff as minor as eating more fruits and drinking more water, to exercise, to being studious and to managing the relationship. i know what i should be doing to achieve my goals. i really do know.but i dont know how to make sure i am doing those stuff. i just seem to give up somewhere along the way.

i told myself maybe i will be inspired tonight from all those readings, then go to bed waking up tmr all new and changed. but i guess it wont really happen? haha and the cycle will just repeat itself. oh so ironic.