Moment of weakness-

我没有你们想象中的那么坚强
我只是擅长伪装 掩饰

yes i am v pissed now. about myself. one more step and i'm gonna break down. seems that this kind of moments are getting more common in my life. uni studies sucks. totally. i desperately think i am in the wrong course. i hate theories. i hate formulas principles book-dead contents. i should have gone to poly.perhaps learn a skill like cooking or baking or photography or design. i would have been much happier. just now my mum just asked if i regret joining this course. what should i say. ugly truth.

was looking at the info from monash and some uk/usa uni. realy want to go for exchange. yet i know its really ex. near 10k thats excluding airfare. when i mention the amount to my mum, she coldly asked why do i have to go? whats good about exchange? obviously she doesn't want me to go. money matters. just like why the insane guy on the news front page who killed his children before suiciding bcos he's in deep debt. watever. money makes the world go round. and round and round until everyone is insane. reason for going exchange: i want to escape from studies. u can S/U the cores for that whole sem. do u know how good that is? i mean i am really struggling. even if i do understnad some of the stuff i am studying, i am doing so with great effort and stress and misery and agony.

sometimes i really just feel like giving up. quit school. its not a matter of whether i can do it. deep down inside i know i can if i work hard i should be able to manage a second upper. but thats not the point, cos i know if i did, i will be v v v unhappy in the process of trying. yet happiness is not all that i shld consider. future, career, money. the world is just so realistic practical.

i'm really afraid i'd just not go for exchange in the end. bcos my parents aren't agreeable. not exactly bcos i'm filial. but i'm just cowardly. since when did i dare not to listen to their opinions? sine when did i deviate from the CORRECT path? since when i am brave enough to do things choose things that i really like? jsut like i nv dare to express myself when i am pissed about ppl. just like i want to continue rsphi but can i? i know studies are hell more impt than my happiness, than cca. thats the flat damn truth. face it.

came bk from airport only this morning so slept till afternoon then wake up. yet i want to sleep now. the moment i stare at any kind of notes, the headache just manifest itself. i want to go into the world of tvb dramas, into my dreams, into anything but studies.

and i'll most prob really going to hand in a empty matlab assignment. i can't care anymore.

think the stress is just overwhelming tonight. i'll be better tmr.