beneath

there's sth wrong w me these days. been flaring up easily, quarrel w my mum on a daily basis. if i'm not out with friends to escape from my mum, i'm just drowning myself in dramas or sleep. ystd had a heated quarrel, then i went out, and when my friends had an idea of staying overnight, i actually did so to hide from home. so that in the morning parents will be out when i come bk, and i will sleep away the big chunk of my day, reducing the chance of yet another squabble.

there are a lot of things i'm unhappy about. but when i make a list of them, some are just so unjustifiable, making me upset about me getting upset over things i shouldn't. the list goes from nagging parents, breaking down electronic devices, overly competitive and bragging course mates, reopenning of school, entangling relationships, knowing too much of everyone's love life plus being love consultants when i've no actual exp, sister who is crazily in love and about to go uk for uni, realisation that i'm spending too much money, fact that mum keeps comparing me with some super hardworking and capable friend who's working at every single opportunity.. and the list goes on.  

and the talk about my sis leaving for uk. thats a 3-4 yr thing that's happening. and even when she's bk, most prob she'll be with friends, bf or the army. there is this sudden realisation that for 20 plus yrs we have so called shared our parents, now i'm responsible for them solely. i'm nv a v good daughter. i'm the "thankyou mum/dad" daughter, but definitely never a "sorry" or "i love you mum/dad" kind of daughter.  i'm suddenly scared of having all the attention of my parents on me and me alone. and i'm already lawfully an adult, things like the govt's fibre optic installation, broadband contract, handling all these stuff are already up on my shoulders becos my parents are not english-savvy and my sis is practically nv at home. this growing fear, it's just so undescribable, dont even know if it's justifiable.


and the school reopening, it just sweeps me back to the unpleasant uncomfortable and depressing situation as last sem and i know i will again, struggle.can only hope the fight ends up better. i hate school. i hate my course. and i hate my lecturers even though i know it's not theri fault but ya i'm hating everybody.

i live a hateful and depressing life. we all know that's not true. but i'm sure in some moments of our lives, we must have felt this before. i just need more happy stuff. keep playing arcade these few weeks, just sang ktv for 9 hours ystd. i think i went a bit crazy but yeah it's a better alternative to drinking or whatever other stuff ppl do.


if u ask me later if i'm okayy, i'll say i am. i dont wish to lie but i will still say so. but we know i'm not.