when it used to be

was struggling with PDE today so decided to dig out my ODE notes from mathsII... i had to plough thru my many ring files, and in the process, suddenly, i felt like crying.ha.

saw my year1 sem1 notes.. i had all the tutorials nicely done and marked, i had revision notes for every chapter, and checklist for the exams to ensure i knew every single thing i know. thats for EVERY module. i've always thought my 4.77 gpa in yr1 sem1 was partially from luck. but now then i realised how serious i was in my studies then. and this practice of writing out my own revision notes and checklist for every exam had accompanied me long from my o levels.. it was my style of getting things into my brain, as much as possible and often, my adequate preparation and elephant memory had done me good.

but since year1 sem2 of uni, i just started to change. i started skipping lectures, not doing my tutorials, failing tests, having panic attacks on nights b4 the papers, breaking down under the stress... i used to be disappointed at careless mistakes that cost me marks from perfection, then ystd i was so delighted realising even if i get <3.5 this sem, it wont affect my cgpa much cos i've cleared a lot of AUs. i used to be able to proudly say my sis is smarter than me, but i am much more hardworking; now it seems impossible to not associate the words 'slacker', 'lazy', 'denial','procastinate' with me. esp knowing all my friends so serious in their preparation for exams...

in jc, i saw my best friend cried bcos he felt v helpless in his studies. i felt sad for him, but couldn't really understand what he felt. recently, i experienced what he did. for the past few months, there are moments when i feel like giving up. there are moments when i feel so encouraged or enlighted by something/ someone. then a few moments later, all these motivation would be gone. all these while, i was thrown between these different feelings, it's like the viking in theme park, i dont know when it will stop and dont know whether it will stop midway in the air or back on the ground.

previously, over here, i've complained about my own attitude, my helplessness and even cant-be-bothered problem..all those was from the brain. my brain told me i was doing sth wrong, there was a problem and i need to get it solved. today, however, it was my heart talking. deep down inside, suddenly there's this surge of uneasiness, guilt, sorrow... it hurts. really.

it hurts when u do sth wrong. it hurts more when u realised ur own mistake. but its hurts even much more when u dont know how to amend after realising it.

like i've said before, i think i need a goal. something to work towards to. how i wish time will freeze now, allow me to soak myself in some ice water to wake me up from this confusion and bring an end to this endless and aimless soul searching...i need that goal to appear. right now.

i hate viking rides.

p.s. i know some of u are concerned. thanks but i guess i need to get this right, by myself :)