i wish my brain was built differently. wish that i was more rash, more impromptu... not someone who thinks about this and that before and after things happen. because mostly as a result of my paranoid-ness and over-thinking, nothing really happens. things to be done not done. dreams waiting to be realised nv realised. goals set not achieved. sometimes i may heave a sigh of relief bcos i didn't do sth. but then deep inside i'd have heaved another sigh of relief that i had again stop and think.

"determined" nv meant to be really what it meant for me. "i'll go running everyday", "i'll do my tutorials", "i'll eat more fruits and veg", "i'll definitely apply for exchange", "i dont care, i'm going to tell him", "i'm going to be part of the police force one fine day" determination only at the point in time. and that 'point' can mean a matter of seconds. really. thinking too much = u can't decide on things. ur mind sways to and fro like a viking ride that went wrong. there's always this psuedo, momentary sense of satisfaction that "yes i've finally set up my mind"yet sooner or later there's another wave of irritation with yourself that you nv sticked with that decision. more often than not, the latter is always stronger than the first. it's like picking up an apple , only to drop 2 more.

still suffering from some effects of my past insonmia. sometimes i'm really tired but i just cant switch off my mind and tada! fall asleep. if i off the lights at 2am, i'll toss and turn at least 50 times b4 i really fall asleep at maybe 330 or 4am? its not that i keep thinking about things. i dun even know what i am thinking about. there's just thoughts occupying my mind that keeps me from resting totally.

relationships seem to be a common topic at this age. at least so among my friends. unavoidable subject when meeting up with old/new friends. when ppl ask about me, "same lor" "so u still like him?" "dunoe leh.." i give these replies out of habitual reflexes. i dun even know how true or how untrue these answers are. tried to figure out but gave up. haha status quo seems fair enough, safe enough. and i am not a adventurous person as one may notice. guess i'm like a cliffhanger. refusing to let go cos i'm afraid i'll fall to death.but i dun even know.. perhaps there's alrdy a safety harness attached to me. one day, something will be destined to happen, someone will be destined to appear . as to who / when/ what/ how... i'd rather leave them unanswered. :)

u have to like yourself before others can like you. i've understood what it means, but sadly, i've yet to be able to do it. haha. if ur level of self-esteem was compared to the stock prices, i must have been on the edge of brankrupcy. haha. its not about looks only. inside. of course there are aspects of me that i like. haha but the other side, like as said, i hate my indecisiveness, lack of determination.. i can't pretend they dun exist. accept it/ overcome it/ improve it... ?? i can only say --work in progress la. :D

eew. what an emo post. haha. nvm. guess my eyes are tired enough. its 2 am. good night.