blackstory's blurts

happy birthday to myself!

2012-01-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

i'm 23 already. omg that sounds pretty old. ok no, that sounds very old. haha a very simple day this year,no cakes,no celebration, just a day out to sentosa flowers with my family and the bf. appreciate that he came along though he was a little unwell :) then ended the day with a night walk around botanic gardens, not very romantic with the very dark surroundings and mozzie as companions but still, it's just the 2 of us :)

didnt manage to write a new year post at the start of this month, which i did last year. so now it will be very long reflective bday post haha.

slowly, as the final sem sets in,the responsibilities of being an adult start sinking in,and weighing on the shoulders. struggling to stay within second upper, at the same time, trying to know what i want to do upon graduation. it's not exactly a very easy task, compared to say an accountant, who normally just start off in the big 4. business students will have to decide which industry to go, so more choices = more confusion. and for engineering students, our boon becomes our bane as we are rather flexible to go anywhere we want, and that creates a whole new world of choices.. or rather, dilemmas. this crossroad is a very important one and though we are still young and wont probably stick to that first job forever, it's still our first proper taste of the real society and it's really crucial we make that informed decision. i have a few options in mind, swinging from one to the other from day to day, week to week. of course i'm just gonna spam applications first, see who wants me haha. but all these soul searching, thinking about what i foresee myself doing, what i want to do, and what i can do... can be overwhelming at times. and this is just the beginning of real adulthood :)

being 23 also means some of your friends start to get married, some others already applying flats, and being in a relationship currently makes these situations even more related to me. i'll start wondering, and friends around me start asking. it's not a bad thing, it's just that i get weird feelings about this issue. no one is perfect and me and him are no exception. being tgt until now simply means we treasure each other's good points more than the bad points. but at times, i will wonder, how long will this last? recent news that my aunt got divorced had a great impact on me bcos all these years, they were my role models, overcoming the odds of an intercontinental relationship, trying for more than 10 yrs then got their own child and now.. marriage just seem like a joke to me. i will still want to get married but i am starting to get afraid. i said i had weird feelings bcos somehow i can see myself living tgt with him, happily married. but i cant see myself actually saying yes if he were to ever propose. saying yes is such a huge decision, it's like a very huge and risky gamble. and i wanna have kids. i wanna be a good parent, but i feel he wont be. and this bothers me a lot. then also, 1 + 1 is not = 2. there are circumstances/external influences to consider e.g. concerned parents to convince.. i am a very bad liar, and being overly honest with my mother about him sometimes just makes her have a not very good impression about him. and being sandwiched is tougher than i imagined. when you are happily in love, enjoying the present, yet you do not foresee a bright future with him... what should u do? stop wasting each other's time and just give up? or close one eye and blindly follow him to the future that may not even exist? i'm not emo here, i'm just very seriously thinking about it. this is part and parcel of being in a relationship i guess, just hope i'll never regret whateva decision i make in the future :)

oh and 23 is the year i hit the peak of my weight and waistline! hahhaa, shopping for cny this yr is terrible, i've grew out of my usual jeans size, and i hate fitting rooms more than ever! slowly, these increase in fats/weight are eroding away my sef-esteem and it sucks. i become especially self-conscious in front of the bf, so much so i find myself a little paranoid haha. so in a fit of frustration, i signed up for kickboxing and yoga lessons! always wanted to join these classes in cc but i procastinated as usual. now that everything is paid for, well, no excuses to not go for them diligently! hope that 130 bucks will be well spent! :) and i also made an appointment with the national skin center, something i had wanted to do for years and years... it's about the removal of my mole. nothing is concrete at the moment and my mum is super against it, but at least i'm going for the consultation. i'll see what the doc says first and no matter what, i've tried to fulfil life-long wish :) i need to be stronger in my personality, and be truer to myself . thats the nice way of putting it la, but simply put, i need that rebellious element in my sister! haha!

ok time to go to bed, cny has ended for me, tmr back to fyp! i'm getting nowhere in my project, it's really devastating.. but i'll try to face it with optimism! :)

CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR AND BEST WISHES TO ALL MY LOVED ONES! :)

late night

2012-01-06T01:43:00.001+08:00

whenever i cant slp, it's bad news. if i cant slp and i am online blogging, it almost certainly is a very bad news. it means i am emo, and yes i am now.

just really upset about what's going on between me and my mum these days. she doesnt trust me, doesnt hear me out, doesnt let me explain. and similarly, i get frustrated, argue with her, become impolite and spiteful. and its a vicious cycle. and everything can be a topic of argument.

and i'm deeply affected by the bf. whenever he feels moody, i become moody too. like today. it kind of upset our relationship though not really very serious kind.but recently, he's giving me a lack of insecurity and i dont like that. i dont know how to get across to him, he most probably wont change anyway. but i do realise i really like him and what's more, we just booked our grad trip. i'll have to maintain for at least the next half a yr. just really hope it will last much more longer than that...

fyp screws me up like shit. school's starting. i need to start getting a job. everything is just.. overwhelming. and the recent spell of insomnia is not helping.

there are always good and bad nights. we just hope the morning will be better. goodnight world.

my ideal holiday

2011-12-09T13:31:00.001+08:00

almost 50% done for my interim report. *heaves a sigh of relief* only 1.5 more days to finish up the remaining 50% *grabs hair and frown*

normally this kind of saturation point will lead to google about things i like.. and i went to read about contiki tours, europe and new zealand... realise what i really want to do in a trip, though maybe not be practical to have everything on this list in one place but well, i'll just make a list to make myself happy thinking abt it! haha

Accomodation: totally dont mind budget hotel/hostels but camping out in tents shld be restricting to about 2 nights. hotels are nice but something i would be willing to forgo for some extra cash :)

Food: i'm not a picky eater, but neither am i very adventurous when it comes to food. as long as not too exotic and of course not too ex! but having local food is important, i.e. eat pizzas in italy, pastries in france, dim sum in hk etc

Activities: here's the main point! my ideal holiday will consist of exciting activities , great scenery (be it man-made or natural) and opportunity to relax. I'm not exactly into the culture/history stuff, though a little on the sightseeing of certain important sites are very welcomed. AND i am not very into shopping seriously haha. some souvenirs shopping will do :)

Yep so my ideal holiday should include:

- a few activities from PLAY (e.g. sky-diving, winter skiing, black water rafting,hot air balloon,theme parks)
- a few activities from CHILL(e.g. hot springs, beach, massages/spas)

- some relaxed trekking and 1/2 night out camping for NATURE (e.g. mountains/lakes/cliffs/skies/waterfall/glaciers whateva, mother nature is beautiful in itself)
- famous tourist spots SIGHTSEE (e.g. Effiel Tower, castles in France, gondola rides etc)

ok anyone can plan a nice holiday that includes all those above for me? budget about 3k inclusive of air tix? thankyou! hahahha

end of day-dreaming session.

another day

2011-12-09T00:16:00.001+08:00

another unproductive day i would say. missed him, so went over to his house.. end up doing very little work and spent most time watching movie and eating.. and before the end of the day he had to childishly irritate me. yea he apologises, it's really a childish little matter so i had no reason to remain angry for long. but well, still it sort of spoilt the day for me.

and happen to know that recently that unfortunate guy who died on the news was a good friend of my good friend. and she is, though a very strong person, really quite upset. and it affects me too to a certain extent. i do realise that this year had been a really bad year, i lost a family friend whom i've greatly respected, been to quite a few funerals, and had many friends who were badly affected either by the deaths of their close friends or family members. and i mean many. i just took the elective psychology of crisis stress management, that talks about handling emotional issues from trauma/crisis. it's been really useful i would say.. but it's so conveniently timed that i happened to take this module this sem that makes me wonder.. maybe it's all fated.

there are many issues in life, we grow up and proceed to face them.. and these challenges just get more and more. i've yet to enter into working life, but have heard about the frustrations from my friends. and being in a relationship is another issue by itself. all the sweet happy stuff aside, this love is not just about two person. he gave me my xmas gift in advance today: another necklace. of course i liked it, regardless of how much it cost (it's swaroski crystal but was on groupon sale) and at least it's something i can use. but back home my mum commented what a useless gift, especially when he had already bought a necklace for me last time. no matter how irrelevant her comments were, it does still affect me, becos it doesn't feel good to know ur mum do not have a very good impression of ur bf. and this brings on another chain of thoughts, be it senseless worries or wild imagination, just making the night worse.

and then there's grad trip. supposed to be a wonderful thing. but issues of weird combination of friends, especially when u know u might end up going with someone you dont feel like going with but u have no choice. and what ur friends want to go/play/visit/do might not be aligned with yours and there's this dilema of enjoying yourself or giving in to people. and when i voice out this worries to mum, she'll suggest me not to go, since not much money then my blahblah friend also never go grad trip and started work to earn money right away and i shld learn from her blahblahblah..

and fyp really sucks. my prof is nice, but maybe too nice. he's not harsh on us and everything seems ok to him whatever i said. but that's the problem: every meeting he gives me new suggestions new clarifications new enlightenment and i get so disoriented and confused that until now, i still dont know what i'm supposed to do with my project. and the machine i need to use is spoilt and no one can tell me when it will be repaired. everyday i open the word doc, seriously want to finish my interim report, but i just end up typing nothing because.. i dont know how to.

life is so unpredictable and being still luckily alive, it is supposed to make everything else not matter that much.but you know you cant: we still get affected by the tiniest thing that upsets us, no matter how minor that setback/challenge might be.

and that's life.

ok it's just a bad end to the day.

tonight

2011-12-07T22:10:00.001+08:00

exams are finally over, i'm really glad. most of the papers were quite bad, but i expected that. though it's fyp time now, it's more of a long draggy war than a quick intense battle so ya, quite different. just hope to get the interim report done for monday's deadline then shall give myself a good break. i need to meet my friends, i am becoming socially withdrawn..

i'm quite surprised i still rmb the existence of this blog, haven't been really facebooking also these days, but been tweeting a lot. i still like this feeling, of blogging, of writing down loads of random thoughts. i believe our minds need to have a break by letting out all these thoughts somewhere, somehow.

my boyfriend is a man of few words, haha really few, in certain aspect. sometimes i feel like i need someone who can talk more, who will respond more actively when i complain to him, when i sms him. i thought i'll get fed up with him rather soon, but thankfully nope, not yet :) well, though quiet, he has his own of way of being the supportive guy i need him to be. a strong tight hug or just a peck on the forehead sometimes is better than anything else to cure me of my frustrations. basically, he is not the perfect guy i wanted, and might not even be mr right eventually, but for now, it's enough :)

2 more days i can go swimming again! ya time of the month haha. procastinating my exercise regime is one of the top reasons i hate myself for. my house doesnt have a big enough mirror in the bathroom for me to look at my bare back so all along i thought my back was okay since it felt smooth and no huge pimples popping for very long alrdy. but that day at a fitting room while shopping, just brought me back to reality that its really quite bad! mainly acne scars from secondary school days and they are very obvious. ugly ttm. saw some magazine recommended a medical peel for this kind, but guess i can only afford when i start working. :(

met a very random professor in schl ystd, we dont know each other but he was trying to be friendly in the lift, so we started chatting. and he reminded me about finding a job soon, since graduation is only half a yr away. well, honestly, i know that is important, but planning for grad trip is like before finding a job on my to-do list.. haha. i ended up thinking about the job thingy again ystd night but again, not much conclusion. oh wells.

tonight i will be (hopefully) productively working on the interim report overnight, need to settle it before sunday evening cos we'll be celebrating my dad's bday. i am still quite lost in the fyp but i am just inching my way through, waiting for everything to be over soon. i'm not expecting much, i just need a B (worst case of course) for this 10AU and a decent final sem next yr shld do the job.

wish me inspirations and determination to be productive tonight.. meanwhile, goodnight world!

P.S. to that one/two of u who still reads this, haha hello! i'll blog more this holiday but it's gonna be boring! lol

what's next?

2011-10-12T17:16:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

i'm back. almost the same feelings and thoughts and mood as the last 2 posts. haha nth new. nth to update you about. but i just feel like i need to type. need to tell someone something somewhere. but i dont really know what things i want to tell so i cant really tell to a real person. so hi!

by the way you know the bad guy named 'exams'? he is coming again. and i hate it already even before he arrives. but this time he brought along other bad guys called the 'FYP' and the 'plsstartfindingajob'. oh and not to forget that renegade named 'J&J'. he's not really a bad guy, he is quite sweet sometimes but can get on my nerves/ add on to my stress at the wrong times. i'm so scared :(

i dont even feel like meeting my fav friends 'junkfood' now. normally they can cheer me up whenever 'exams' comes knocking on the door. but now not really. wonder whats wrong.

ok blog i need to go out for dinner now and collect sth from singpost that i bought for the renegade. hope it's nice. thank you blog for being here with endless amount of patience time and dedication to hear my 'lorlilorso'. haha oops i forgot u are born in the country 'internet'. this term is singlish/hokkein from my country.ok bye.

your dearest penpal,
jingru.

past midnight

2011-09-28T00:29:00.003+08:00

this is day 4 of recess week. as expected, i have nothing done. this situation is so familiar yet i cannot rmb how i allowed myself to back into this state again. haha

its 00:15 on my computer.
when i am alone wide awake in the quiet night, i realise i feel calmer. there are still a lot of thoughts running thru my mind, but they seem quieter than in the day.

just reading up some motivational blogs. been doing this recently, since the start of 2011. at the spur of moments when i am reading them, i do get inspired. some unknown sense of determination and courage to change all of the sudden. but unfortunately they dont seem to last.

the modern life revolving about iphone games,apps, facebook twitter and even tv (i know ppl dont really watch tv now, at least not from that box in your living room, but i still do bcos of cable lol) makes us busy all the time. but when asked what are we busy about, we cant really give a decent answer.

i have a thousand things on my to-do list. some old, from years ago, some new, some are just temporary. yet so far 4 days of term break i did nothing. ok no wait, i did one thing. but i dont even know whether that was right to do so. i hope i didnt just spoil our relationship by telling him that becos i know he got worried. and that in turn makes me worried too.

i feel like i need a personal assistant, a personal trainer. someone to enforce the right thinking and habits into me. for stuff as minor as eating more fruits and drinking more water, to exercise, to being studious and to managing the relationship. i know what i should be doing to achieve my goals. i really do know.but i dont know how to make sure i am doing those stuff. i just seem to give up somewhere along the way.

i told myself maybe i will be inspired tonight from all those readings, then go to bed waking up tmr all new and changed. but i guess it wont really happen? haha and the cycle will just repeat itself. oh so ironic.

a million things

2011-09-03T13:24:00.000+08:00

there are a million things ongoing in my head. and i can't seem to sort them out or get them done. i need to read up on all my modules because i dont understand a single thing so far. i need to do my aircraft design project but i dont know what the shit is going on and the whole team is stuck because i cant get my part done. i need to look thru the recruitment talks up coming, decide which to sign up for, need to buy formal clothes and do up resume to go for networking sessions. i need to realise what i want to do upon graduation and decide what i need to prepare for that job/interview in this year. i need to do my fyp and time is running out and there are software to learn, readings to do, labwork to chiong. i need to spend time with justin even though i see him almost everyday because studying and dating is different and its essential to stabilise our r/s. i need to think of what to get for him for our coming anniversary. i need to buy stuff i need to buy / want to buy and differentiating which is which and how much money i have. i need to save up money for grad trip and i need to think where i want to go for grad trip and starting planning cos air tix is getting more expensive nearer the date. i need to spend time with my family too esp my sis who is flying bk to uk for one year soon. i need to lose weight because i want to look great in mar for my cousin wedding and in june for my convo. i need to take care of my body, rmbing when to put mask, moisturer, eat vitamins, put my whitening retainer before all the super expensive whitening essence dries up. i need to eat healthier and exercise because people ard me are getting cancer or dead from cancer and its really scary. even showering is a chore because i keep have to consciously remind myself to put conditioner which i keep forgetting and the next morning i wake up bad hair that spoils my day. i need to remain happy and positive every day because foul mood can just stir up quarrels over tiny little things with my mum or even justin. i need to sleep earlier because i get tired waking up 5 am most of the days and i am falling aslp in lectures and my dark eye rings are getting darker.

ok i need a breather.

back to ae4011 :(

knee deep

2011-07-30T23:10:00.002+08:00

it's been great these few days.. been happily happy and hope that stays :) :)

its either i am getting used to his silence or he's adapting to speak more. either way, it's just good news for us :) getting more comfortable when we're tgt.. and i guess at least i can see us safely pass our one-yr annivesary in the near future :)

there's nv an end to worrying about a r/s u are in, but it's just how urgent/serious these worries are. i've been sinking and floating about in my wild thoughts, but i guess that's normal. just hope i'll stay afloat longer this time round, haha.

random thought from a tvb drama: its better for a guy to love the girl more. reasoning: guys are more likely to take things for granted and tend to be less contented. so if they do not love the girl as much, there's HIGH chance of them having change of heart. same reason why girls are at disadvantage if they propose to guys, cos guys will take it for granted.

one more week of slacking and enjoyment before i get back to school after a full 9 months of books-free days.. and fyp.. oh how i am looking forward to it. hais.

it's complicated.

2011-07-20T22:03:00.003+08:00

matters of the heart. complicated. as always.

one more couple down. someone close. so it kinda affect me.

ours is like flying a kite. i am the kite, he is the flyer who sometimes pulls at me yet sometimes behave like he forgot abt the string.. and when i feel like dropping down alrdy, he's also the timely gust of wind that fills me and keep me high up in the sky again. sometimes i find this game a little tiring, maybe one day it will stop. but for now, i am still gonna stay where i am, up in the sky.. until one day.. if that day ever comes.

and of all times, i lost the necklace he gave me. careless me, i think its somewhere stuck either among the laundry (washed,dried and folded alrdy -.-) or stuck in the washing machine or washed down the drain. hai.

its 2 weeks to schl reopen. final year = time to get studious. haha

its the little things that you say, that makes me feel i am special and important to you. and i have to thank you. but it's also the little things that i observed/felt, that reminds me maybe we dont belong tgt.

thoughts overflow

2011-06-23T11:12:00.001+08:00

I'm finally blogging again! haha! because office cannot access blogger
and COR camp prep all the way has rendered me too busy to blog at
home.. now COR is over and i am back to this private space to release
all my overflowing random thoughts.. if not i think i'll drown myself
in them. LOL

---end of COR'11 journey---
i rmb at the start i was really hesitant about joining cos fear of
commitments and workload affecting my studies. then along the way,
perhaps becos i was just a subcommer, didnt feel any sense of
belonging to the comm, was just like doing my task whenever i am
assigned. But nearer to the camp and especially during the camp, i saw
what we have been planning for. the camp was truly inspiring to me,
beyond words can describe. and that is an understatement.hearing what
heartfelt gradtude the hearing imparied participants have towards us
for organising this camp and how impactful COR has been year after
year for them.. i suddenly know my three yrs relationship w sign
language and volunteering with the deaf has been such a worthy cause.
The COR'12 chairperson rally was to my surprise, very heated and
angsty and i was shone light into all the issues and unhappiness
throughout the comm in this whole year. Honestly i felt really glad i
am in PNP, the only portfolio i guess who is really independent by
ourselves and because of our expertise in PNP compared to the other
comm members, we have the largest say in our work, be it banner, video
etc.and this ultimately translate to the least conflict and i feel
really lucky abt that. This journey has come to an end as i have
decided not to continue in COR'12 due to various circumstances and
reasons, but i promised myself i wont stop making friends with the HI
and helping out both COR and RSPHI whenever i can. Sign language is
perhaps the most important thing i learnt in the whole of my uni life
(the engineering stuff are all crap compared to it) and i shall make
sure i continue to use this skill :)

---matters of the heart---
been long since i updated abt my r/s as u all are always most
concerned abt :) no big waves so far, just many ripples along the
way.. mostly these ripples are just thoughts on my side and i never
really raised them to him unless necessary. Because i am always
over-thinking, thinking too much too far into things, i tend to worry
and get emo. haha dont worry not the major emo kind, but just maybe
for a day, after which i'll just get over it. Things like fearing I'll
get too fat and he wont like me anymore, getting jealous over a new
female intern at his workplace then yet dont dare to telll him fearing
that i am just being too paranoid and unreasonable, etc etc. all these
fears just reminds me how impt he has become to me and i am both glad
and scared of my growing reliance on this r/s. hmm well i'll try not
to think too much for my own happiness sake, haha. hopefully soon i
can start counting in years instead of how many months :)

---no longer a teen---
somehow in the office i still feel v student-ly, like a kid who is
still much younger than the perm staff. but honestly, they are just a
few yrs older than me and veyr soon next yr i will start working like
a dog for the rest of my life. and i even have a friend getting
married next yr already. haha. face it, we are no longer the protected
sheltered child/student who can always depend on our parents. and i
just realised how many things we need to learn to settle ourselves.
knowing what we want as a carreer and securing a job, knowing how much
we need to save up for everything from houses to marriage to kids to
parents allowance, hopefully learn how to invest instead of stoning
the money in banks, going for body checks and taking care of our
health, reading up on insurance and knowing what policies to get or
not to get. and there are many more things.. sometimes i will still
slump back into the psuedo-reality that there is still time to slowly
learn all these things, other times i will just wake up and be slapped
back to reality to HEY GROW UP. one more year in school for me, and
hopefully by then, i am ready for all this new responsibilities :)

alrights thats all for now! 4 more working days for me.. WOOHOO!

speechless

2011-04-22T17:12:00.000+08:00

HAI.

the chicken and egg issue

2011-04-22T16:04:00.002+08:00

does trust comes before happiness or happiness before trust? if there is no trust there will not be happiness. but if no happiness to start with, how can one begin to trust? random talks about marriage and relationships in my office with my colleagues (from diff opinions: married, attached and single) and with my mum sparks off random thoughts in me...

And yet of all time : best timing that i got to know that 'it is just a formality" to some people. the issue is distant in the future but it is important. maybe its just a confusion of emotions affecting perspectives but i see a gap growing.. a sign of warning? maybe.

i dun like being busy. but i dislike spare time even more cos my mind takes the chance to run wild. wild into the unknown inflicting fear in me that to others, may be well uncalled for.

time

2011-04-14T18:37:00.003+08:00

who invented the definition of time? who said monday was monday and sunday was sunday? who made it that we have 5 weekdays and 2 weekends instead of the other way round? who proved that time is constant cos everyone in this world thinks otherwise...very often there always time when we think passed too fast, others passed too slowly.

sitting in my cubicle this whole week is a torture. checking emails and 10 plus deal websites,refilling my water bottle, going to toilet, tidying my desk are just routines in the morning to get me thru the first 15 min perhaps? then time crawls until 930 when my stomach timely growls, meaning time for a museli bar. then crawl again with increasing deceleration, reaching its slowest just before lunch. then somehow we became very daring and followed the other young engineers who also suffering from the can't-wait-to-get-out-of-office syndrome for a 2 hour lunch. back at 2 pm with a black face boss who cannot do anything cos all his engineers in the department are running away that he cannot afford to scold any of the few left in case they quit too.

i have been googling about everything and anything. read up about planes, trying to find things to doodle into my logbook which is practically empty cos i cant write "i googled about how to kill time in office" or "i slept in the toilet for 15 min" ... research about my july trip going hongkong macau and maybe zhuhai/shenzhen.. find games website and blogs that are miraculously not blocked by my company's network.... read up about healthy nutrition and fitness regimes (i completed reading a 340 pages fitness guide lol) ... read almost every channelnewsasia article that updates on my homepage... i have so much time (yes i know some ppl are envious) but i have better things to do then spending mindless hours in a cubicle praying the time go faster towards 530pm everyday. and not forgetting i still need to keep up with appearance that i am doing constructive stuff cos afterall i need a A from this 22-week long eye-opener. yes it is an eye opener.. to how much i would love this job next time.

and when 530 strikes, it becomes 11pm in the twinkling of an eye and time to sleep in order to wake up for another wonderful day ahead almost identical like a prisoner regime.

conclusion: time is not constant. someone should do some research and write a thesis. that actually time passes faster in the day so the 1230pm we see is actually already 530pm (time to knock off) and vice versa for the time after that.. i bet the whole world (minus the bosses) will rush to award him/her with a nobel prize for his great contirbution to mankind.

i am so deprived at work (cannot access blogger) so had to blabber all these nonsense now. just wasted 15 min of my after-work time. lol

lifestyle design

2011-04-13T21:24:00.003+08:00

been so free at work that i had to squeeze things out to google. came upon some websites talking about lifestyle design.

wiki definition:

Lifestyle Design is the design of one's ideal lifestyle, especially an unconventional one, providing good opportunities for personal growth, leisure and adventure. Detailed methods include: career planning, entrepreneurship and travel.

simply it means designing your own lifestyle to what u really want. that includes dreams and passions that most ppl think is impossible to achieve because in reality we will succumb to practicality and bread and butter issues. yet more and more ppl are learning how to achieve it without compromising on practicality sense. the most important thing is to let your choices define the way u live, not the society. and to do this you have to of course be very conscious of what u can do, what u want, what u don't want and then come up w a concrete plan for it.

a choice towards lifestyle design can be as simple as "eating healthier". something that most ppl, esp weight-conscious but dieting-failure cases like me always make a decision to do from time to time but never really achieve because excuses like practicality issues(canteen food at work, fast food with friends etc) act as stumbling factors in our way.

after working in a typical engineering office for 12 weeks, this article just seem so true and i can literally foresee myself like this upon graduation and in my first job (if it were to be a engineering one)

www.lifeofjustin.com/office-jobs-the-tipping-point-124/

btw it just happens that the author is justin too. did no particular search on that.lol

with the nbs ppl graduating soon, it just seems so much important to me now that i figure out what i really want come next yr june. i want to clear my study loan debt, i want to be financially contributive to my family and i want enough savings to build a family in the future. but i also want mornings where i dont dread going to work, weekdays when i dont spend my time staring at the clock hoping its 530pm soon, earning money and enjoying it at the same time and be a happy person 24/7 round instead of only during the weekends. and weighing and trying to balancing all that, practical vs ideal, i need a PLAN. real PLAN.

and i am determined to spend this whole yr ahead thinking about it properly :) my ideal lifestyle need not be extravagant, but it should be a pleasant one, which i believe is the minimum for everyone :)

resolutions

2011-04-04T19:23:00.002+08:00

to lose weight!

btw, biao, i didnt copy u! hahaha randomly saw vincent and his sibling's album on fb.. and oh my gosh joanne lost so much weight compared to when i saw her during my last few tuition w teresa. so chain of msgs with vincent tells me his sis's secret, which is in actual fact not a secret, cos even pri school kids know through health education.. haha exercises! balanced diet! less carb! but it just different reading from books abt it, hearing ppl nag at you vs seeing a real success story! haha been rather guai w my diet the past month.. fried stuff less than once per week, strictly no supper, no rice during lunch... but snacking quite a bit on biscuits cos if not i'll fall asleep during IA. haha excuses but ya didnt have time to exercise of yet. seems like i'm only free once a week? haha mr justin ng is to blame for occupying most of my time, think we shall go running soon :D so after the irritiating time-of-the-month, i shall try to go exercise at least 3 times a week. aim to lose 5 kg before school reopens! haha hope its not too ambitious.

to balance my life!

mr justin ng is growing to be a very large part of my life.. the good: i will cover later. the bad: its not a good sign when more than half ur free time revolves around one person. as the theory goes, what if we break up one day? i will be so lost! i need more time with my family, my other friends and myself! shall try my best to manage it! :)

status quo w him!

haha he's become more clingy (not to the bad extent yet) compared to his bo-chap-ness last time. haha so just hope he stays this way. start to have lovely random surprises, well, he is not that wood wood afterall la. haha we're still not v creative w our dates.. almost fixed: wednesday go compass point for dinner then arcade after work, friday more variable but still just dinner only, weekend free movie marathon at either of our houses plus wash car. haha sounds mundane but i'm still enjoying it :) love the perfect dose of msgs (not too many, not too little) daily.. okays enough of all these mushy stuff :p yep i'm just happy as of now and hope it stays!:D

grant me determination!

determination to fulfill all those resolutions up there and also for another purpose. been considering whether to continue my cca next yr. fyp, dangerous cgpa hanging right at the cliff plus the 10AU project justin.. i think i should be busy enough alrdy. haha i suppose there will be some persuasion to ask me to continue and so i hope i will be firm enough to say no. and i seriously hope that i have been low profile enough to not be nominated to be next comm or sth so i wont have additional factors to consider.

and thats all for today! shall sleep early tonight if poss. :)

beautiful love

2011-03-19T20:56:00.002+08:00

看住时间别让它再流浪

从前我太适应悲伤

你的出现在无意中却深深撼动我

一起走着没说什麽心是满足的

这个世界随时都要崩塌

我没有其他的愿望

假如明天将消失了趁现在我爱着

只想记得被你抱着温热的感受

Love's beautiful so beautiful

我失去过更珍惜拥有

多庆幸我是我被你疼爱的我

紧紧牵住的手不要放手永远守护我

Love's beautiful so beautiful

我很快乐你会了解我

我不会再哭泣是因为我相信

我们勇敢的爱着每秒钟都能证明一生的美丽

Love's beautiful so beautiful

Because love's beautiful. its imperfections only affects how long it can last, not its beauty.

(: haha

2011-02-26T17:54:00.000+08:00

the fact that i blog most often when i'm emo leaves my beloved blog readers think i'm permanently emo! Oh nos!! Haha thanks dear friends, for reading and asking, its all fine and sunny and happy now! (:

emo max

2011-02-20T10:10:00.000+08:00

maybe cos woke up too early for a sunday. Mum was complaining abt dad cos we went hawker centre to eat, she was the one queueing, buying n carrying the food while dad just sit n wait.as usual. she thinks it shld be a guys job. The more i think the more i feel justin is like my dad, passive and dont really talk and unromantic and .. Hai. My dad is a gd dad but not exactly a wonderful husband and i cant help but scared i might follow the footsteps of my mum.. Women are meant to taken care of, protected by.. At least for me. He hasn't given me that amt of security i need yet.

R/s makes u ponder, get emo, ponder more and get more emo all over again. I want to be another jasmine.

the valentine's day

2011-02-15T20:39:00.002+08:00

yes everyone is asking me how's my vday cos its my very first vday being attached.so expectations rose, preparation, creativity.. trying hard to make it memorable for him. well, i think it did in the end, just that in the wrong way. and so did he made it 'memorable' for me. i'm not going to elaborate on the details (pls dont ask me too) afterall its not exactly the best vday i ever had or what.

thought i would be angry. observed myself for a few hours, thinking my emotions might be a little slow. anger still didn't come. upset? maybe a little. disappointment? definitely. decided to ignore him for maybe a few days but almost succumb to msging him this afternoon. momentarily hated myself for that weakness. and i realised:

i can list down easily 7-8 things i dislike about him, all strong and valid, might even be reasons for a good quarrel/breakups for others. and when someone ask me what i like abt him that day, i couldn't answer. because liking someone is not logic. its not math or science. there's no why. you like someone just simply because he is he. and given that you can still love that someone after knowing all his weaknesses, makes love an even more powerful and sacred thing. love is blind, i agree. ppl in love are stupid, maybe. but it's just how things works in the realms of relationships.

i'm still not going to msg him for the next few days. sometimes guys just need to be pushed a little. but dont worry abt me, cos actually deep inside i'm no longer angry/upset (:

journey

2011-02-06T02:55:00.000+08:00

a relationship is a journey of two. learning tgt, trusting and loving each other. I'm a total newbie to this. And so is he. Maybe i'm being a more demanding gf than he expected. Or maybe he's being a less thoughtful bf as i wished. But it doesn't matter cos we are learning tgt. Honesty is the best policy and i'm glad we are keeping by that (: no journey is smooth sailing, but we can reach the destination tgt as long as we hold on strong with faith n determination (:

p.s. @wei: no more ostrich alrdy :D

happy new year!

2011-02-03T00:28:00.003+08:00

happy new year to all!! may happiness health wealth befall on us all!

getting used

2011-02-02T10:12:00.000+08:00

Somethings are just not meant to be get used to. Halfway thru u might realise u overestimated ur tolerance.

Anyways, cny is here! 5 days off from work, time to get fat from the goodies!! :D

confessions of the new shopaholic me

2011-01-31T22:28:00.003+08:00

yes i'm turning into a shopaholic! justin ng's fault! haha since i got attached, well i've been looking more at clothes, skincare products, now i'm desperately looking for cheap manicure to do tmr before cny! lol the previous and also the first manicure, i did with biao and jael, i was kinda forced by them lo! and i'm still looking a dress to wear for cny (and maybe v day too) but to no avail :( i think soon i will feel v broke. hai. haha oh wells, 1 more day of work tmr before a nice long cny break! meanwhile, retail therapy for IA sian-ness! :D

happiness (:

2011-01-17T22:27:00.002+08:00

tmr's our 3rd month :) but i going kupkup so spent one day with him today.. first came a tiny random flower, white daisy, just one, taking into account the stalk, it's about size of the whole thumb. so i thought, haha must be he plucked some random bush along the streets :p

then reached his house, saw a vodka bottle full of the white daisies, huge long stalks.. supposed to be romantic but haha! it's the kind that ppl buy as offerings to buddha or pay respects one.. LOL. sotong him, being not a buddhist and very ang moh, didnt know..and i mentioned before my fav flower is gerbera and he mistook daisies as them.. okay la look a bit alike.. haha so my present : hilarious looking daisies in a bottle! i couldn't stop laughing until now la! haha!

after my cutting, trimming and arranging now it looks nicer in a very short glass..haha i think he might be the only guy in this world giving his gf these flowers lo! but well, it's the thought that counts and it's more funny silly cute and sweet than anything! (: who cares about luxurious roses in a nice bouquet? :D

i think i should have a seperate private blog for all these next time :p *shys*

blurr

2011-01-16T20:38:00.001+08:00

just finish watching song sign this yr. Was supposed to go for dinner w them, lucky zf called n reminded me i'm meeting them for dinner!omg

been having too many things in one day, too many occupied days in one week.. I keep forgetting/got late/ feel unwell and not go in the end. The wisdom tooth wound is not healing as well as last time, getting heaty, headaches pain and all:( and it's not good when i'm leavng for a seafood feast 2 days later!:(

tmr having the whole day w him.. Sometimes it feels good to not have any activities in plan, just spend the time slowly quietly away (:

hectic is what my schedule speaks now. Pain is what my mouth speaks now. Starving is what my stomach speaks now. Haha

busy

2011-01-13T00:03:00.002+08:00

this hols is very short and very busy.. meeting up with friends, cca canvassing, song sign camp, dentist appointments, kupkup vacation.. all lined up. busy but v fulfiling and happy (:

sometimes feel so guilty don't have much time with him, and it's always him who accommodate my busy schedule.. haha at times it's just so sian cos we don't know where to go/what to do; at other times, it's just feel so blissful to simply have him by my side :) okay mushy i know, i'm happily in love cannot ah! :D

for my dearest readers, u know who u are, dont worry ur mr right will appear soon one day! :)

Bye 2010, hello 2011

2011-01-02T20:33:00.001+08:00

Okay, finally some time to organise my thoughts and pen it down as the new year arrives. 2010 's been an eventful yr i would say, turned 21 this yr, the official adulthood. Things changed quite a bit, from feeling old to taking care of the house n my parents while my sis embark on her overseas education etc.
let's go thru one point at a time :)

studies: this is probably my biggest regret of the yr.. Last sem was like record breaking low, this sem struggled too, just that results not out yet. Half a yr break from the books in the early half of this new yr might be just in time for me to reflect refresh n recharge :)

personal: i wouldnt say i grew more mature, but i do feel more motivated to make myself less emo n more optimistic, cos life's short! Joined another cca (cor) to do more meaningful activities to occupy myself, contribute to the society, and also to find a more defined direction in my personal devt. Sometimes do feel busy, but i guess i dun regret it :)

firsts: had a lot of first time exp, tried cable ski, went batam, had body massage, tried paintball, watched my first 3D movie, went universal studios n had my first roller coaster ride, went genting FINALLY! Went casino, learnt guitar n how to properly read music scores.. and i'm sure loads more just that i cant rmb. Haha great way to celebrate this unique age!

Love: yes and i missed out, my first r/s :) it's been a rather random, confusing, funny, fast-paced journey that led to me getting attached. And it sure was an abrupt end to that 7yr long n torturing story.. Haha I've always been the love consultant for friends n this time round i understand all the insecurities, problems, lame but inevitable thots that went thru their minds. I'm now still in honeymoon stage, havent pass the high risk period (statistics reveal r/s normally last less than half a yr or more than 2 yrs, lol). It's my first, i'm not expecting it must be my last, but just try to be as happy as lasting as poss :)

yep so hope this new yr will be great for all of my beloved friends, family and him of course. Cheers to happiness n health! :)

state of mind

2010-12-27T14:57:00.001+08:00

just had thai express w my mum n sis. Ordered green curry, the usual other than soft shell curried crab. Somehow it doesn't taste as nice as before, the times when thai express always meant sth special, and green curry was what (the previous) he always ate. Haha so its really true that what we think the food taste like, is actually heavily influenced by the feelings inside us :) for now, swensens is our fav place :)

ystd had family gathering n dinner. Everyone were glad to see my sis bk and of course, she v eagerly shared her 2 months worth of stories from bristol, bath, london, ireland etc to diff grp of ppl,and i actually heard the stories 4 times! Got so sian after the 3rd.. Haha

grandma's getting older and memory failing, she was trying so hard to rmb my cousin's name. She still has thick cloud of hair, and whole set of strong real teeth, sth i'm always super amazed of. (even my dad has dentures alrdy) but cant deny physically n mentally she's getting weaker. Now i'm trying to make it a thing that i visit her at least once every month, cant help but feel happy whenever she smiles so brightly upon seeing us:)

end of exams!

2010-12-24T00:51:00.001+08:00

yeah finally! Just before xmas.. N 2 things happened today to commemorate. Lol.

First, i sort of got drunk. Haha went wenhao hall n we all celebrated w icecream logcake n champagne. Didnt eat lunch n the icecream isn't really real food so kinda drank on empty stomach. Threw up 3 times. Haha super embarrassing la. Esp in front of him :(

Second, i just cried. Lol cos my mum was nagging me abt being lazy these days n i was rather pissed by the nagging n talked back. Then unleashed a whole crap of scolding n my tears just burst.. Haha actually its a good release, my mum was only the trigger. Been really stressed this exam but tried hard to stay happy n optimistic n with him ard gives me aditional reason to forget the stress, but deep down i was just concealing everything n now that i broke it all loose. Whew. Feel real good now :)

allrights so all ready for my holiday plans! Almost fully booked all up to next yr alrdy w friends meetup n cca. Happy holidays!!!:D

:)

2010-12-20T00:30:00.001+08:00

Ended my exam marathon on fri. Propulsion was killer paper but doesnt affect me lot. Haha had a great dinner, though his mood was kinda of low cos of the paper n plus his car got scratched a bit. Then finally watched finish the dark knight. Awesome movie. Awesome company :)

then ystd n today was song sign perf. Amazed at our dedication to this cause n loved the way we loved song signing! Rsphi rocks! N of course wonderful surprise from him when he came down to support :)

keeping close contact w my sis on nimbuzz, sth like whatsapp. Its always amazing how ppl can actually get closer when we are physically more distant. Anw she's coming bk on xmas, total surprise hidden from my parents:D guess it'll be best xmas gift for them :)

exams always spoil my mood but spending even just a little time with all my wonderful friends n loved ones nv fail to lighten me up:) one more paper n i get to escape from books for half a yr. Looking forward to it! :D

wrong

2010-12-14T23:46:00.002+08:00

As i mentioned to some ppl before, no blog post = happy me. This is my 2nd post in hours.

so here i am, 1h from wed, and i'll face 3 papers, one 20% untouched before, one 40%(cos i s/u), one 50%. Untouched i dun mean nv revise yet. I mean i nv see the notes before. Really. It's amazing how i am flipping thru the notes despeartely now, with 14h away from paper n not know a single thing. Skipped lect? Even if i was in lect, i was either stoning or sleeping. Haha great student i am.

I'm consoling myself with the wrong reasons.. That i will still manage a 2nd upper when i grad even if my cgpa were to fall thru that 4.0 mark this sem. Provided i manage decently in yr 4. Decent i mean really decent, ard 4.2... So, this makes me less worried abt my unpreparee-ness, but just proves how an escapist i am.

I hate the academic side of me. Since start of 2009. I was once the model student in class /school. Was once.

Hai. Okay time to sleep. Body not cooperative somemore, either a random running nose, headache or now, severe bodyache. Rarrrh. Goodnight world. 3 more days before i can be sligtly happier again :)

emo

2010-12-14T19:16:00.002+08:00

i'm seldom emo this sem. just either happy or unhappy, happy most of the times. unhappy is different from emo. just different. right now i'm emo, with the exams. every sem i tell myself to work harder, every sem i end up having to find reason why i did worse than the previous one. and when i reached the record breaking low last sem, i thought nothing could go worse. oh well i'm wrong. i really am more hardworking than last sem alrdy. but either the subjects got harder, the teachers got lousier or just everything gets more wrong. :(

may uni life be over soon. 1.5 more years. love my friend's status "i am not the student i once was."

hell week

2010-12-12T15:40:00.001+08:00

Aims to be achieve at the end of this week:

- secure at least an 'A-', 2 'C' and 1 'S' for all 4 papers this week

- ensure that i'm still alive at the end of hell week so that i can:

a) xmas song sign performance during the weekend!:)
b) go out with my bin on friday! (psuedo end of exams hahaha)

jiayou jingru and all those reading!:D

:(

2010-12-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

seriously what's there to compare? it just doesn't make sense to me.

trapped in my own swirling bubble of thoughts again. thinking about problems that might not exist at all. and even if they do, i also dont know what to do.

okay enough no negative thoughts!! exams!!! omg first paper tmr :(

untitled

2010-12-07T20:46:00.002+08:00

i'm really behind time for revision. but studying is not like u throw in 2 hour per tutorial you will get it. there needs to be the correct time, environment, mood and a good deal of sudden enlightenment.

love it when i can suddenly "oh!!" after staring at the same set of notes / equations for hours hours hours. hate the process to it though. and hate even more when i give in to the bed/com/tv.

not thinking abt it until exams is over.

exams

2010-12-03T22:26:00.002+08:00

short n sweet post.

exams are here. shit. will try to mug hard. good luck to all.

no emo, no frequent blog post. so i suppose its good :)

maybe gonna miss him for the next 3 weeks.

thats all. bye! :D

the log

2010-11-27T23:36:00.004+08:00

When u are expecting to hear something nice or sweet n all u get is "i dun know what to say.lol." or just his fav emoticon in reply, really dun know should haha or hai. Oh wells, I am dating a woodblock. I just hope i wont get tired of laughing at ur dense-ness any time soon :)

the log

2010-11-27T23:36:00.001+08:00

nerves

2010-11-25T19:39:00.001+08:00

Exams are drawing like freaky mega ultra near its hurting me. As usual the lack of conscientious thruout the sem left myself w tonnes of tut to catch up. Best thing i can say is i am determined to finish all before the exams, unlike the last sem when i went for some papers w/o even knowing most of the syllabus. Bad thing is yes i am v stressed right now.

With stress comes frustrations n weird thoughts. N i mean v weird thoughts. Like a self-imagined inevitable breakup w him in the near future.. But i will just blame it on the exam jitters n try to forget abt the fact that such stuff actually popped into my mind. Lol.

Mugging alone in can a now. Feeling v tired n drained from the rare concentration i manage to focus on my tuts.. Yet determined to finish this tut before taking the 2h ride back home sweet home:)

fear

2010-11-22T15:10:00.001+08:00

women are a v troublesome grp of ppl. We are worried n worried n worried abt anything n everything. We think too much even if we know we shouldn't. And the more we know we shouldn't think, the more we end up thinking.lol.

No matter what the situation seems to be (good /bad /optimistic ), i will still fear. But just diff kinda of fear. What u dont have, u fear of missing out on sth precious. When u alrdy have, u feel uncertain n surreal abt it, fearing its not real/secured. Then when u are really into it alrdy, u fear losing it. Hais.

But i guess some fear are a result of happiness.. Becos u are happy now u are afraid to lose that happiness.. Haha

oh wells, thats just random. No worries, we are doing v fine:) just exams jitters are making me a bit crazy sometimes. Haha

2010-11-11T22:57:00.000+08:00

the biannual battle of a uni student is starting soon. this sem i started planning my revision slightly earlier. but doesnt really mean its effective :( kinda no motivation to study except when both of us are into the mood. having an extra someone provides both positive n negative influence cos if he mugs u feel like mugging but one slacks the other will fall into that mode too:( tmr morning got CA, not thru w studying n yet i am here blogging slacking. the notees just dont go into the mind... hais.. okay sth wrong again. i cant press enter to go next para. guess blogger dun like my phone. he called to ask me sth just now. not the now he. the previous he. n i was cautiously noticing my own emotions if there were any dangerous signs. but i'm glad to say its really over. i pass the test afterall:) just wanna look forward w the now he. no more looking bk:)

sky is clear!

2010-11-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

finally.. yes everything is official on facebook :) not changing my relationship status because i think its really not necessary esp if i were to change it back next time.. haha there was a little confusion and adapting past 3 weeks but guess should be fine now. we are still getting to know each other more, but since i am knowing more good points about him/us as time goes by, i suppose we're heading the correct direction? :) no more hiding and troubling over when/how to tell ppl.. really relieved. so now i am not having any expectations of whatsoeva in the future, just be happy now:) no one knows what will happen and it doesn't really matter :)

okayy.. zoo should be one of the last few times we'll be going out cos exams are coming!:( need to work hard this sem.. really. hope i will feel motivated enough. and yes, no more tuition!!!:D more time! starting to run now hope it will sustain... and other than catching up with my work, i am promising i will not neglect my friends okay!! :)

time for circuits now!!

BUSY!

2010-10-26T15:51:00.000+08:00

sometimes busy seems like an understatement. when one gets too busy, he/she will not really know how busy he/she exactly is.. so for me, here's the deal:

1) complete a 2000-word 40% CA of a module i am NOT S/U-ing due tmr
2) Revamp the COR blog within 3 days (and strictly 3 days only) when i took 2 weeks to do the same with the test blog. due this saturday 2359.
3) Do up wiki on aerodynamics chapter that i knew nothing about. Due this sunday 2359.
4) Circuits CA next friday. 3 tutorials behind time.
5) 2000-word essay on guitar. due on week 10.
6) Flight mech CA on TG Pai's part i.e. i have absolute zero knowledge of it. also on week 10.
7) In total of all my modules, 17 tutorials behind time. SHIOK!

Exams is coming, COR is flooding up my schedule with canvassing.. the only thing that is still free and empty is my brain :( the worst thing of all, now i have one additional distraction. haha

trance

2010-10-24T11:20:00.000+08:00

may our hearts be strong and minds be clear. i want to be happy with you, thats all.

:)

2010-10-20T21:31:00.000+08:00

addicted to this song ... "love paradise" by kelly chen.. should go listen! :)

gone recess gone! hai.. haha

recess week?

2010-10-17T15:44:00.000+08:00

no.. no recess.. haha super busy! 3 days chopped off by COR. then tuition 3 times a week, plus meet up with friends...9 days GONE! lol hope can still squeeze in some homework to do..

sometimes things are a little confusing but guess it's part and parcel of the process. still learning :)

garden or study room

2010-10-10T13:18:00.000+08:00

maybe it's kinda bad timing to grow flowers now.. 2 CA next week n i'm not making progress because instead of concentrating on flight performance n propulsion, i'm looking into the garden every 10 min.. hoping to see a need for me to water/add fertilizers.. super distracting! lol..

hare n the tortoise

2010-10-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

slow n steady wins the race. patience is virtue.. it's like growing a bed of delicate flowers.. u need to add fertilizers, water n provide sunlight.. but too much of it will kill. i'm still trying to get the hang of it, being v careful becos i really hope to see it bloom if possible:)

:)

2010-10-09T13:08:00.000+08:00

i think you just got kicked out of my heart:) bye to a 6'yr burden, hello to more more yrs of pure great friendship:)

time

2010-10-06T00:37:00.000+08:00

it really doesnt make sense to be sleeping at 1am waking up at 530 taking transport for 2h just to reach school when singapore is so damn small!I'M SLEEP DEPRIVED TIME DEPRIVED!!!!

sleep

2010-10-03T22:29:00.000+08:00

it's sometimes very amazing how people manage their time.. i can barely cope with just one cca sub comm somemore, 22 AUs and minimal family time. i wonder how ppl juggle their hard core high positions in cca(s), family, friends, boy/girlfriend AND studies... hmmm...

it's been overwhelming this week.. many things happened and i end up being v busy at nights.... time to sleep back the amount i was deprived of... tmr 830 lesson!!! :( monday blues coming in alrdy. oh wells may i have a great (and v busy) week ahead! haha

i'm too tired to think of you.. which is actually good! hahaha!

leaving on a jet plane..

2010-10-02T09:47:00.001+08:00

my sis just flew ystd.. and in a very her style, she almost miss the flight cos busy talking to friends until forgot abt time! lol... and also thats why it was a run to the gate and little time for hugs n farewell so my mum did not have time to cry a lot.. lol. my grandma was so she bu de... i think cos she v old alrdy.. then old ppl dun really like to see their children/grandchildren leave them so far away in case anythng touchwood happens..lol so now waiting for my sis to reach paris n bristol n send a msg bk before my mum can settle down. haha today having one whole day w cca n feel a little guilty i'm not spending time w my parents since now i'm sort of the only child... shall go bk for dinner tmr after dry run :)

life

2010-09-27T19:44:00.002+08:00

life is precious because it's fragile. very fragile. nobody knows what happens the next day, or even the next moment. being afraid of dying is part n parcel of life. and death is something everyone knows we have to deal with someday but will still break down in face of it. we are humans and even docs cannot guarantee anything. so treasure everyone around us, because that's the only thing we can do :)

u are one of the strongest ppl i know and i believe u can get through this. :)

love

2010-09-25T13:42:00.001+08:00

love is a v complicated subject. u can fall in love at first sight, or u may go ard in circles and then bk to that same place. u can gain a lot of experience falling out of love but experience doesn't guarantee u anything for ur next relationship. u can suddenly like the person u once hated most, or end up as strangers with the person u once loved most. there is no right or wrong essentially, only yes or no. and sometimes deciding between yes or no is a v ambigous thing all tgt. some of us believe in love but end up being single till old, others nv thought of a life long commitment but end up in a marriage. sometimes ppl are more excited about the wedding, more than the marriage itself. furthermore , now it seems like filing a piece of divorce papers is like less of a hassle than getting a degree.

i belong to those who go around in circles, get confused and lost before, but still believed in love. i would want a perfect wedding and even more a perfect marriage. but everything is in the future and nothing is absolute. so for those in love now, treasure it and be happy all u can. for those out of love, heal, recover and believe in love once again. and for ppl like me still waiting, be patient and just keep on waiting :)

happy for u!!! :D i'm so excited when i'm not the one involved. imagine i was the one breaking the news to u! haha i think i would have died from adrenaline/endorphin :D

confused

2010-09-23T11:16:00.000+08:00

at crossroads in life, we always hope there's someone to show ur the right way, make the correct decisions.. but v often opinions of our friends n family offer v different views and it's still up to us to decide for ourselves. to do that, we need to be v focused, v sure of what we want out of it, v determined to fulfil what is required of us to achieve that. right now, i'm nowhere near focused, sure or determined... but i tell myself nv to regret what i did bcos u cant turn bk time. perhaps i need u to be by side more, cos being with u n hearing u talk of ur plans and dreams makes me feel better, stronger, clearer.. and w that, i'll feel that i can do anything...

confidence

2010-09-21T20:50:00.003+08:00

suddenly i felt like a highly-sought-after gem, overwhelmed and grateful to all the high expectations, only to let them down one by one. so here's what happen:

1) last thurs: decided not to join COR, got poached by sn and es to join RSPPD and GDU respectively, rejected them with academics as reason
2) last fri: realised how pathetic my resume look w/o any concrete achievements/committee post
3) sat: mingwei called to say she arrange for me COR phone interview, decide to join again
4) sun: finally got the interview, kind of excited wanted to be accepted, then zelin msg to poach me IS director, hesitated
5) mon: whole lot of ppl decide to tell me how i am suitable for the position ze recommend, felt like accepting it but was still pending COR's reply, got into COR at end of day, then suddenly into subcomm of IS as well.
6) tue: reconsidered suyun's suggestion of taking up IS director post concurrent w my COR subcomm, then rmb next week there's a quiz on a module i nv understood from start of first lect plus many outstanding tuts, gave up the idea.

so now i'm in 2 subcomm,again doing things behind the scenes where everyone knows how much i contributed, except the employers becos it was not reflected in any kind of huge leadership positions. and the fact that everyone's telling me i can do a good job while i keep hesitating just makes me realise how gd it felt for my capabilities to be recognised by others and how bad it feels to realise i have so little confidence in myself. i always consider and reconsider whenever there is a great opportunity to shine, and in the end i will choose to let it slip past me. that's so me. oh well.

just registered for IA. did not put any interviewing organisation though logic says it willl give me better chances cos my grades aren't that amazing for them to pick me among the elites of my cohort. reason? i dont want to lie anymore. i've been to interviews where i try to sell myself more than what i am and pretend to sound vv intererested when i'm not. like last time i got the A*STAR jc award, i basically took a brochure right at the waiting lounge to read just before my interview and poured out the info as if i did a lot of readings about the research. becos there was nothing to lose and money to get. i dont want to use a glib tongue to get into a prestigious company to work when i am not truely interested even though there may be good money good prospects.yup so i only put 6 choices, all non-interviewing, see who wants me then. afterall i'm a very good employee, really, just not a good aerospace engineer perhaps.

school's not exactly fine.. w me skipping lessons becos of various reasons, cant find time to finish my tuts becos i may take 2 hours to do one qn, trying to cope with the physical strain from travelling 4 h everyday + sleeping less than 5 hours+tuition + horrible timetable that start early & ends late. i dont get to see the sun when i leave home (except for tue) or when i reach home.
and my doc says that why i'm sick (AGAIN). but i dont see other ppl falling sick every month. i'm just weak.

weekends are now my fav days, i get to do meaningful stuff tgt w great friends by volunteering on saturday, then catching up w my studies on sunday at my own pace, nobody to nag at how much i'm laggin behind or how little time i've left. basically, sundays are the only days i find my lecture notes and tuts interesting ...

thks for asking me random problems to solve... i feel better whenever i can help you, not only because it's you, but it reassures myself i'm still capable of all this :) i will work hard this sem. we will :)

the reason behind :)

2010-09-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

blogging on request of ms liwei.. haha cos i was caught umchioing during the bus ride home from airport. we just sent off dear jerrold thong for his uk uni studies.. on scholarship lucky guy. okayy so here's the reason.. v random one anyway.. cos i was staring blank then suddenly realised oh ya we just sent thong off! cos there was no slightest hint or memory in my mind which was occupied by other thoughts of u know who.. lol. this always happen when i just see him or sth .. was thinking if today was him flying.. what would i feel or react?? and then drift off to other things but still abt him.. lol. n i realised ppl who saw me umchio but dun know i had sunburn would have thot i was blushing! haha

oxymoron

2010-09-18T11:05:00.000+08:00

had an overdose of endorphin on thursday.. haha caused by various reasons and apparently, being too happy makes u sick. as in sick literally. first there was flu and sore throat in the morning, then v bad stomache in evening then headache at night. was stuck in school feeling like i'm going to die but managed to survive home thks to mr and mrs tan's little red car :) ystd saw the doc and now i'm home instead of being at the long awaited family chalet eating med in hope that i can recover by tonight and eat bbq food! haha

waiting for my phone interview now.. for sub-com of CampOutreach.. was v hesitant becos i wanted to join but wanted to focus on my academics this sem (great influence from mr. v :) ) then jiahui and i made a huge discovery that almost all my cca friends are holding a committe post. let's see, we are talking about out of 15 pplof my batch, we have 1 president, 3 VPs, 1 hon gen, 1 centre head, 1 chief terp, 1 log main comm, 1CIP director, and 2 more were ex-centre head and ex- VP... all of different volunteering committees ... and i was trying to write my resume for IA application then ... i got nth to boast about! no doubt i did a lot of stuff behind the scenes, perhaps even more than some centre head (lol) but there was no post/title.. not that i needed that but ppl outside like employers obviously judge based on this.. haha so it's time for me to do some thing.. haha

okayy time for med and shower while waiting for the interview call...

secretly waiting for another impossible call :)

truth

2010-09-16T09:13:00.000+08:00

sometimes the hardest thing is to be truthful to urself. sometimes u don't know if the feelings are real. Now after so long, i think i'm sure. Been trying to find the right excuses for all the stupid things i've done; and looking at you, everything just make sense to me :) it doesn't matter if we don't like same things, it doesn't even matter if this is not mutual. just let me be happy being a tiny part of ur life... until perhaps someone better come along, be it for you or for me. :)

couple dynamics

2010-09-09T21:10:00.002+08:00

haha there's this interesting post recently in emails/fb..basically it analyse how ppl look at relationship b/w 2 ppl, essence of it includes:

1) ugly guy + pretty gal = the guy is rich
2) handsome guy/ugly guy + ugly guy= friends
handsome guy + handsome guy = gay
3) pretty gal + ugly gal = friends
ugly gal + ugly gal = lesbian
pretty gal + pretty gal = enemies

haha true to some extent.. lol. yeah end of a short week. physically v tired from the early mornings and yet i'm still always late some reason or another. hope can do some reading up over the weekend.

so curious wondering if they will work out. u know who u are. *winks* haha will be glad if u do!

now i think u are just a passing cloud. behind it all, it's still ...

yesterday once more

2010-09-08T09:55:00.000+08:00

ystd was mostly a bad day. started off with a diarhoea due to breakfast, which made me late on the rare day i was early. then the tutorial was mumbled / whispered by a teaching assistant i.e. a grad student, instead of being taught by a proper prof. then i tripped while climbing the stairs, got giaped by the lift door, and nearly walked into a pole. so i was in super bad mood until u sort of cheer me up in ur own weird way. haha oh then better after the turn, i got into guitar! then went tuition and get to see n talk to him :) AND NOW MY QWERTY ON PHONE IS ALL CAPS AND I CANT CHANGE BK. LOL. UPDATE MORE LATER :)

direction

2010-09-02T23:03:00.002+08:00

i know this is going to sound morbid.. haha be sure it's not an inclination of depression.. but i was thinking, if i'm going to die tmr, what have i done in my life worth rmbing?

my sis is starting to settle her stuff, finally got her accommodation confirmation today, ready to embark on her discovering journey soon. the proudest thing i've done is score 10 A1s for o level. which is a rather sad thing to be proud of. i mean, academics? come on! there's more to life than books!

i need to do sth for myself. worth rmbing. sth for me to be proud of myself. jobs are just activities u do in exchange for money. a career is sth diff. studying is just in exchange for a cert to accredit u sth. a talent allowed to develop or a skill learnt is diff. i need a direction.

and while still searching for it, tmr's going to be last of week 1. so far so good. getting tired. but i can feel myself a little more orientated this time :)

where were the days i used to be able to sleep anytime anywhere?

half

2010-09-01T22:03:00.002+08:00

reached the mid of week 1. toll on waking up so early has not come in yet but guess soon.. been really angry cos i cant fall asleep on mrt in morning i dont know why. while as usual, i tend to doze off in lectures. coffee's gonna be back on my menu this sem. haha

following up on my latest IT revamps, i'll gonna get my new phone hopefully next week, either E5 or E72 i haven't decide. hmmm then might be getting a new cardigan and perhaps if the sale is good, a timbuk2 bag during the fair in ntu next week :) but gosh that's like a great fortune gone spending on wants and not needs! lol. but well, i was supposed to be in canada now spending canadian dollars and in thousands...

i think i'm a great planner.. i like to plan things in my mind. almost perfect plans. but seldom do i execute them. lol. due to a massive lack of determination which i hate. so now have this great plan in mind how i'm going to spend my time esp weekends properly, getting tutorials done etc.. let's see how long it last this time. haha

okay practically once schl starts there's really nth much to update about. long day today, shall head for bed soon :)

change

2010-08-31T23:18:00.002+08:00

did some IT related housekeeping today..

- switched to gmail... had hard time redirecting all hotmail and ntu mail to that. now should be okay but the old mails are still transfering..' may take up to 2 days ' says google. lol.

- then firefox's been crashing lots and hate IE so now using google chrome. again. tried before but didn't like it. now a 2nd chance for it to impress me. haha.

- updated ipod touch os.. cool! like the new one so far :)

new sem started. am limiting to just 6 exams bcos i know i need to save my grade. might be taking up guitar as non-examinable elective if i get thru the audition that i dont know what i must do. lol.

alrights. it's 1130 soon. early for the hols but late for school term considering i have to wake up at 530 :( update soon again i hope.

jealousy is evil and you are all the reasons i cant sleep. becos i mind.

beneath

2010-08-27T22:12:00.000+08:00

there's sth wrong w me these days. been flaring up easily, quarrel w my mum on a daily basis. if i'm not out with friends to escape from my mum, i'm just drowning myself in dramas or sleep. ystd had a heated quarrel, then i went out, and when my friends had an idea of staying overnight, i actually did so to hide from home. so that in the morning parents will be out when i come bk, and i will sleep away the big chunk of my day, reducing the chance of yet another squabble.

there are a lot of things i'm unhappy about. but when i make a list of them, some are just so unjustifiable, making me upset about me getting upset over things i shouldn't. the list goes from nagging parents, breaking down electronic devices, overly competitive and bragging course mates, reopenning of school, entangling relationships, knowing too much of everyone's love life plus being love consultants when i've no actual exp, sister who is crazily in love and about to go uk for uni, realisation that i'm spending too much money, fact that mum keeps comparing me with some super hardworking and capable friend who's working at every single opportunity.. and the list goes on.

and the talk about my sis leaving for uk. thats a 3-4 yr thing that's happening. and even when she's bk, most prob she'll be with friends, bf or the army. there is this sudden realisation that for 20 plus yrs we have so called shared our parents, now i'm responsible for them solely. i'm nv a v good daughter. i'm the "thankyou mum/dad" daughter, but definitely never a "sorry" or "i love you mum/dad" kind of daughter. i'm suddenly scared of having all the attention of my parents on me and me alone. and i'm already lawfully an adult, things like the govt's fibre optic installation, broadband contract, handling all these stuff are already up on my shoulders becos my parents are not english-savvy and my sis is practically nv at home. this growing fear, it's just so undescribable, dont even know if it's justifiable.

and the school reopening, it just sweeps me back to the unpleasant uncomfortable and depressing situation as last sem and i know i will again, struggle.can only hope the fight ends up better. i hate school. i hate my course. and i hate my lecturers even though i know it's not theri fault but ya i'm hating everybody.

i live a hateful and depressing life. we all know that's not true. but i'm sure in some moments of our lives, we must have felt this before. i just need more happy stuff. keep playing arcade these few weeks, just sang ktv for 9 hours ystd. i think i went a bit crazy but yeah it's a better alternative to drinking or whatever other stuff ppl do.

if u ask me later if i'm okayy, i'll say i am. i dont wish to lie but i will still say so. but we know i'm not.

can someone make this easier?

2010-08-11T01:40:00.000+08:00

it's 130am. i'm still up and awake.. trying to tire myself out by marathon-ing grey's episodes but it's not exactly working. been rather busy and sleeping little and causes naps and this makes me even more messed up with the sleep cycle. i'm need to get tired enough so that i will drop dead onto the bed and not think about unecessary, confusing, weird , irritating stuff.

i used to sleep v easily and a lot. now i still do sleep a lot but it's v vhard to fal asleep. the usual days when i'm neither v awake or extremely sleepy, it takes about 1 hour to fall asleep. guess that is sort of not normal rite? maybe i need some pills, or a better mattress. :(

callie torres is lesbian!

2010-08-06T12:52:00.000+08:00

omg just finished season 4.. and the ending was like.. callie kissing erica? OMG! haha but yeah into season 5 now! :)

been v slack this whole week. which is good and bad i guess. haha had all the sleep i needed in the world these few days... bought my running shoes finally.. and perhaps i should start running tmr! :D still baking on fb.. watching dramas.. i dont want school to start. i wasn't supposed to be really studying for the next 1 yr. oh wells.

lost a tiny wheenybit of weight but it tend to fluctuate a lot. eating lesser now. and plus if i start to run, hope i can lose at least a decent amt b4 school starts. i'm not awfully fat. neither am i just nice. and i can't tell myself not to mind what other ppl say although that's supposedly the right thing to do. i need to concentrate on studies and i do not need ppl to remind how flabby i am as an additional burden to my distracted mind. esp my mum and some of my guy friends. sometimes it's a joke. someitmes it's just not so funny anymore.

and the yoghurt i'm eating sucks. i want mango flavour one..:( okays. time for some housework (workout) , wait for our new tv to be delivered, then off i go to vivo! :)

the proposal

2010-08-03T19:29:00.001+08:00

was watching tv and the episode was about 2 of the male leads thinking of ways to propose, one suceeding and the other failed. haha then reminded me of ystd kbox saw the mayday's mtv.. where one of the members proposed during their concert in front of all their fans... every girl will have in mind their dream guy, dream proposal, dream wedding.. just that it may not always come true doesnt mean we cant dream about it rite? haha so here's a post to my future husband-to-be whoever u might be:

- the proposal should not be done in public. i mean thats like so romantic but it's kind of embarrassing if the girl rejects rite? so there's this subconscious pressure that we should accept it and what if we regret after that? haha so i think it should be done just between the 2 of us,sweet and private :)
- the proposal can be a surprise but the idea of marriage should not be.i.e. if the couple nv discussed about marriage bfore and the guy just randomly propose, i think it doesn't give the girl confidence that u are serious about it and may think it's just an imprompt rash decision.
- flowers and ring is a must. duh. but kneeling down is kind of cheesy.. haha but i can still accept if the guy doesn't mind. lol
- and pls, do a proper one, at least that crucial sentence must be there. singaporean guys are known for using "let's apply for a flat" as a proposal... lousy! haha

okay that's so random and bimbo talking about my dream proposal... haha but who cares! but this is like stage 2... i need to reach stage 1 first... still patiently waiting :) alrights. enough of dreaming! time for some grey's! :D

reflections of a week

2010-08-01T16:43:00.001+08:00

gosh haven't been online for a week. cos everyday after work either tuition or go out till late. and YES WORK ENDED! hello to the lazy days of waking up late and watching videos / slacking at home again! haha i know i will get bored of this kind of life sooner or later but it's worth making me happy at least for 1 week? after working for 1.5 months.

okay more about my work.. it was a new experience and eye-opener quite for me as i knew nth about logistics and freight stuff before it. job scope is rather simple. clients (companies) need to import or export sth. u ask for rates fom our overseas office, mark up accordingly then quote back to our customer. and when they accept the deal, u prepare a doc that contains all info of the shipment to send to overseas colleagues. yup basically that's it. my colleaugues there are all quite nice, v helpful and friendly. and sometimes i actually get bored bcos i got nth to do! okay all EXCEPT ROBIN! haha robin is the name me and another temp gave to our manager whom we dislike a lot! lol. she's the v smile at u in front then stab u in the back kind... haha and she's perverted one lo. keep asking us to clean cupboards, tear paper until my hands are now v torn and battered literally! i mean clearing the rubbish is okay... and tearin it is okay cos our shredder is too cui. but the amount of paper to tear? the whole dept's work from 2000 or dont know how many yrs ago until now can! 10 yrs worth of paper! siao! and she complains about us doing it too slowly. she come and try pls! lol but yeah okay byebye to her and good luck to the new staff coming in to replace us! haha!

watched inception on thursday with wei and biao :) so funny cos they bought the tix without telling me. i thought we were going to watch despicable me until just before we entered the cinema! LOL. but the movie was great! not v the entertaining kind but intrguing. was at the edge of my seat throughout, figuring out details and rationalising everything. bad movie for a night though cos u will, like me, end up thinking too much before u sleep and having dreams inside a dream inside a dream! haha!and i nv really watch shows with leonardo other than titanic ican rmb..but he really acts well :) okay so if u are thinking of goingto watch, i recommend it but not alone okay! u will regret not being able to discuss with anyone the moment the credits show! haha!

oh then just on friday night went to crash wsc ignite change camp. some of my cca ppl inside as senior attached or gls and i was supposed to help out on sat with the hearing impaired activites... so took the chance to crash and we end up v extra and awkward and spend the night playing BANG! instead. lol. but sat was a really interesting experience i wont regret foregoing my sleep for. morningwe went to visit the ID ( itellectually disabled). sing along sessions, random dancing, art-and craft ... was very meaningful and satisfying experience. had a buddy called Pei Lee around 30 plus yrs old.then comminication wise she is just like a pri schl kid who's v sweet and keep her art work for her teacher (our volunteers) who's away on a trip. but her motoring skills not v good so i had to guide her to cut a flower shape out of paper. next we went VH (visually handicapped). my group played games with a guy in his 20s and there's this normal (not VH) girl our age always near his side when we guided him to walk ard and it turned out she's his gf. then he was smiling v sweetly while telling us how they met and fall in love. the gf was so ps and hide aside but still smiling v sweetly. so awwww....... haha then we went to sci centre with HI (hearing impaired) kids. this was the most tiring event for me cos my kid was like running all over. so 4 adults had to chase after this pri 1 boy who cant hear nor talk. he just keep signing things we cant undestand but we all had a v fun time tgt.. :D this is like the most meaningful saturday i've ever spent :) have been with the HIs since i enterd uni and it's really good to expose to other benficiaries, how the volunteers helped them with their obstacles in life. i had a great time, and i believe the benficiaries had it even more.. esp the IDs who are all just plain happy with ppl (they call us teachers) just singing or talking to them. they even woke up early knowing there will be visitors, to choose nicer clothes to wear and coming down early to the centre to prepare.

okay other stuff... nth much to update. just that thurs my colleagues treated me to lunch as farewell and started asking us about the question everyone is like asking.and that set me thinking for a few days and got a little emo whenever i'm alone thinking. but guess ystd was a great day, too meaningful too tiring and too happy to get emo or what and now i'm still feeling glad i'm single and not willing to think of possibilities that can upset me. haha. there's so much more in life worth living for, love is just a bonus we can do without :)

yup and finally, i've started doing sth i wanted to all along.. sharing photos that i took. it's now an album called " moments of my life" on fb.. will upload my fav shots... just for sharing and free for comments. :) there's nth better than enjoying doing things u like, except sharing with ppl these special experiences :) and by this week i WILL get a pair of running shoes and start exercising! :D

that's all for a week.. and may more happiness to come for all, u and me! :)

K.O.

2010-07-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

fighting an army of phlegm that is camping in my stuffy nose and breeding a budding sore throat. so much so for quick cash from that sat's morning when i got drenched. guess the pay is almost used up for my doc's fees. lol.

skipped work today again. haha my boss must be cursing me. too bad he isn't a doc if not i will go. slacking now while waiting for tuition tonight. hope will get better for tmr's ndp preview :D

no interesting updates which also equates to no emo-ness or frustrations :) jingru is going to be happy! :)

me myself and i

2010-07-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

rested at home today again. guess tmr gotta back to work :( haha nvm 1.5 more weeks to go! gonna have some free time in aug.. minus away the short trip to batam. really would like to do something, for myself. like enrich myself... literallly learn sth or psycologially enrich myself. like pick up a real hobby and follow thru it. photography, drawing and baking has been on my list for long.. but nv did i really invest my time money and energy to truly fulfil it. maybe now it's time. oh and jh suggest to learn guitar.. as a cca or sth when schl reopens. tempting but i'm not so sure i wanna join a new cca. just like astro.. i may end up doing things i dont want to and that's not gd. i've gotten over the fact my exchange is cancelled. it's sort of fated.. like from whether i shld apply to waiting for acceptance letter there's been a lot of obstacles and maybe this is what it meant to be. i just feel this real urge to do sth for myself. to do sth i really really really want to. without caring about objections from parents or constraints by money or time or any kind of distractions whatsoeva. but there's so many things to choose from i dont know what i shld start with. haha shall slowly think thru it :)

oh anyway, i've thought thru and HE is really going to be a thing of the past. really this time (or so i hope). i guess i'm not really THAT into him afterall, but it's been so long it's become a habit or addiction of mine. and it's time to kick that habit. haha. if i dont chase him out of my heart/mind, i think i'll nv get the chance to find the right one. yup i shld stop thinking about him and start thinking about myself :)

ahchoo!

2010-07-19T21:10:00.000+08:00

old alrdy la... was in a drizzle on sat morning.. then lack of sleep for one night = super bad cold! ears a bit blocked, throat swolllen, and very very stuffy nose! didnt go to work today, slept and ate med for whole day until my back is sore from sleeping too much. haha! hope tmr'll be better ...:(

words I couldn't say

2010-07-13T19:43:00.001+08:00

the man who can't be moved

2010-07-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

not the way we wanted

2010-07-06T19:41:00.000+08:00

okay i've finally made a decision: no exchange. ryerson replied, no change in situation. guess the happiest is my mum cos she dont have to worry about me or the money. i'm not as disapointed as i thought i would be. guess i was mentally well prepared the first time i saw that confirmation letter. just that i feel v sad and bad that i cant travel with biao. but everything's settled. have the sudden urge to spend a lot of money. haha please dont stop me cos i need to vent it somewhere. and buying things is a good sign for me who doesn't shop. lol

everything seems to be explainable by science. even human mind there's sth called psycology to analyse it. but i think love should be classified as a supernatural phenomenom. you can't explain that. perhaps becos of the age, i witness many of my friends falling in and out of love. some were hurt really deep , of which some were lucky to find other person to stitch that wound up. others are still bleeding, some constantly reminded by the scars, some were cut open again shortly after the stitch. it hurts the person but also the people around them. i would consider myself lucky. i dont have an open wound, just a bruise that refused to heal but i secretly also dont wish it to heal. sometimes the bruise hurts, sometimes it doesn't, but either way, it's not fatal. i guess it's jsut natural selection, like darwin's theory, the diff is how many scars u got to have before you are fully healed.

hang on, things will work out fine, like i said: cliched but true, let nature take its course.

showhand

2010-07-03T11:27:00.000+08:00

it all depends on this decision. because whether i'm going canada will affect a lot of things:
1) should i take out my wisdom teeth now? it's been hurting for the past week and my dentist suggest that i get it/them out before school starts. but it's gonna cost a bomb. and i dont really have much to spare if i'm going.
2) will i be going on short trips with farrago and vincent/xinen respectively? i would really want to but i dont think i shld if i'm going canada. and i shld tell them soon so they can plan..
3) if i'm going canada, i need to decide if i want to reach new york then bus up toronto or go toronto straight but more ex... and i need to do that quick becos all the seats are being taken up alrdy.

just hope ryerson reply soon soon soon...

all these lump of stuff cluttering my mind and i just get v v distracted. just today morning till now a few hours, i've missed the bus stop cos i was stoning, scalded my hand, wore my waist pouch upside down (the zip facing the ground) while going to dental without knowing until i had to remove it to sit down.

now i'm too tired. chose not to go for ryerson meet up since everything is so unsettled yet dont want to make myself more fan. thinking of jio-ing ppl to go cca today but decided not to cos feel like sleeping this lazy and rainy afternoon away... so good night/afternoon!

space and time

2010-07-02T01:05:00.000+08:00

been very busy this whole week. been sleeping at 3 plus everyday, waking up at 7 plus for work.. until knock off then either have tuition or meet ups with friends or discuss exchange stuff. was thinking of skipping the gatherings but was celebrations of bdays and i didn't want to miss. ryerson my exchange uni is not giving us the cores.. i'm stuck in a decision of whether to go if they do not give any allowance for our second appeal. been thinking about this decision v hard and v stressed. was thinking while showering this morning and i forgot to wash my hair, dressed and came out and then go back in to shower again. then v distracted at work and keepworrying about making mistakes unknowingly. have been taking long bus rides these few days and the time was well spent in deep thought but have yet to reach a concrete decision yet.

i'm rather drained physically and mentally. just hope everything will be settled soon, whatever the outcome.

the weekend

2010-06-25T19:47:00.000+08:00

yes it's friday! ended work on a nice note cos finished eveyrthing nth pending! :D and tonight will be going bbq plus stayover at jael's chalet cos tmr is her bday party! was so proud of myself ystd. was shopping for sth to wear forthe party. and i resisted from buying a top thats 39 and finally bought a belt top and bottom at less than 32 in total!!:D GSS!! haha! thats like one v v rare successful shopping trip by myself and it was done within 2 hours! lol

sunday got ryerson meetup.. i hope it's late afternoon so that i can go for HI gathering at sentosa in morning...alrights gonna be a busy but happy weekend! and great news i can work longer and earn more! most prob until early aug.. thats almost 2k! got money for exchange!!!:D :D okay bye world!:D

slice

2010-06-23T20:00:00.000+08:00

in "slice" (a song by five for fighting): "we are more than just a slice of american pie.." .... to me, we are all actually just a slice of somebody's life... and for more than one person's.. similarly, many of our friends, family form different slices of our life.

and i believe now that some slices are meant to be small, others bigger, and each slice have their particular roles to play in your life. some may grow smaller, maybe small until it just disappear out of ur life... or some may grow bigger, so big it makes u forget about the other slices or want this slice of ur life to take on another additional role in ur life. but the truth is most of the time, they are just meant to be what they started out as.

there's too much guessing. and waiting. it's like hide and seek. or maybe just hide. not even seek. sometimes u believe the catcher will finally find u in ur hiding place, but it turns out he/she may not be even looking for u. yet u still rather stay in that hiding place, hold on to ur belief , looking forward to that miracle. humans, by nature, are delusional.

been working for a while now... and even if my colleagues knock off right on time, they still have to spend their time at home reading and replying emails. all along we have been working as temps only. our repsonsibilities stop when we knock off. nothing more. and there is an end date, when we leave the job and go bk to our holidays or school. now it's really scary to think that in 2 yrs time, we 'll join in the working society. no strictly knock off hours. and there is no end except when u retire when u are already freaking old and haggard by the stress and responsibilities endured over the years. and if u have a family, there's still time for ur kids to juggle. it's kind of really impt to find sth u like doing... cos i dont want to work for the sake of earning a living only...

feel rather unwell these few days. had v bad stomache ystd and today. random chills at times. and my gums are awfully painful. sometimes i feel like going for a thorough medical check up.. cos i think i am at high risk of diseases like high cholesterol, cancer (becos of heredity)... and who-knows-what. esp my digestive system which always gives me prob.i also have frequent giddy spells and bad headaches since young... haha sounds scary ah? maybe it's time for the truth. lol

been losing my temper a lot recently towards my mum. not so much of the content that we talked about, but within 2/3 sentences, i tend to raise my voice and start yelling. really loudly (sometimes when we are in kitchen, i'm sure my neighbours can hear). and worst still, it's for no good reason. when i calm down and think back, i dont even know why there was a need to yell. i dont like this me. i'm not supposed to be that short tempered. yet i cant control my emotions. i'm fine with other ppl. it's just my mum but it's not her fault. and when i'm yelling i totally think i'm correct, but when everything is over, i dont know how to apologise.

okay less solemn stuff. haha still dont know what to wear to jael's party on sat. tmr last chance to go find. today planned to shop but got stomache. happy that i get to work 2 more weeks , meaning 500 bucks more! :) this sun meeting the ryerson ppl. hope we can settle some stuff. esp the air tickets. canada is nearing...i can feel the anxiety and excitment alrdy! haha

ok now my head, gum, sotmach is torturing me tgt. rah. shall have an early early night. good night world!

milk chocolate club crunch

2010-06-14T21:30:00.002+08:00

haha! i didn't know what title to put cos this is gg to be a v random post.. but "milk choc club crunch"!(stop laughing biao!) try saying that fast repetitvely. if u can, u are not v special. if u can't, welcome to my stutter club! haha! it's a marks & spencer biscuit name anyway :)

okay realise didn't update for quite long. instead of dat by day, let's go by categories:

work
yes! i found a job! $6.50 per hour somemore! was a v last min notice and had to start work the 2nd day. it's sales support @ geodis wilson which is a MNC in logistics & freight management (it's the winner of Airfreight forwarder of the year 2010.. oh wow but i didnt know they exist till now haha) today is my 3rd day.. colleagues are fine, rather friendly, food there is cheap, work is not fun, esp the customer keep complaining but i really got to learn a lot of things which is one of the other reason why i want to work (less impt than earning money for now though). contract is till 25th june only, v temp temp kind of job but i hope they will extend which is highly probable bcos it doesn't make sense for them to re-train new temps all over again so soon. oh wells, tiring but at least i'm making money! happy!

social life & friends
other than work and tuition, sat stayed at home whole day for videos online. then sunday went tanning with biao! but the sun was only out for 1 hour but still we got tanned a bit! :) then slack and cam-whored and then went to town to eat shop talk laugh cam-whore all over again. haha v fun but v tiring! this week meeting up with biaojaeldong again, then fri got rsphi annual dinner (yeay! cos v long nv see them) then sat curl volunteer attachment thingy whole day.. suppose to have night cycling sat night to sun morning but only me with 4 guys so my mum dont allow. haha hope more activities coming up! esp those that require v minimal expenditure! :D

matters of the heart
haha nothing to update. still the same. not expecting to have major changes anytime soon. maybe & hopefully after i return from canada la. hope the 4 months is enough to forget one, and maybe meet another one! :)

personal
i just hit the much-feared digit on the weighing scale. shit. but it's kind of obvious cos my tummy is bulging. LITERALLY. sometimes i wear too tight i look in reflection like pregnant!!!! OMGZ. time to exercise... am thinking of waking up v early everyday before work to exercise but i don't think i have that perserverance.. need someone to pull me up & out!haha and my face is rotting cos i have v major outbreak. and my facial cream all expired i just realised ystd. lol. hai. i need to get into a better shape b4 i go canada cos (1) most prob will gain weight there so need to slim down now! (2) slimmer means smaller sizes means the vol occupied by clothes will be less-this is v signnificant when talking about thick winter clothing... (3) if not pretty how to attract ang moh there! haha! summer fling rmb? haha but mine will be autumn/winter fling. lol.

interests/random
oh and i'm into season 4 of grey's now... and another hk drama on going.. music wise i'm v happy i found this whole list of artistes v v nice! it's quite undescribable the happiness from discovering this partcular genre of songs u liked! v much like falling in love i guess! so they are on my playlist now: five for fighting,snow patrol, rascal flatts, matchbox twenty, the fray, james morrison... :) saw this great deal on Nikon D3000 dslr for the IT fair... was once considering if i'm taking emirates instead of SQ, i can save about $800 and that's gonna be into buying a DSLR. but now, i clearly understand how much i'm going to spend and how little i have so yup that $800 (if i do have it, cos now we still dont know what airline) is going to strictly for my exchange! slap me if i mention/consider/going to buy one! haha! world cup is bk again... nv really follow soccer for v long so dont really know who's good and who's not alrdy. my predction of each match is stil v much based on the strength of the teams in 2002/2006 haha... that's y v not accurate.

okay time for me to go shower, slack ard and sleep! work makes u tired v easily. haha tmr and wed got tuition so tonight need to sleep early!

happy day for all

2010-06-09T01:07:00.000+08:00

spent a day out with justin and seng today. watched killers which was funny but not v fantastic. it was a bit like 'kick-ass' cos it's really funny yet sadistic about the killing ppl part and i cannot totally embrace that. hahabut ashton kutcher is ... HOT! haha! katherine heighl... looks so much older than in grey's . guessed it's becos i'm still at season 3 only. and the moment i see her i keep thinking about izzie stevens izzie stevens.. haha! but she's still v pretty! back to the outing, it was erm, a bit awkward in certain ways.. cos the 2 guys are either awfully quiet or start weird convo topics that i dont really know how to continue with.. haha! but glad we still manage to wander all along orchard road to douby ghaut... went 313, Orchard central (and its pathetic rooftop garden) and PS (memories of EID .. haha). came home to tuition then tv until.. yes now bk at my com :)

it's been a daily habit of mine to read blogs, along with the essential tasks like check emails. and today almost everyone seems happy on their blogs... which makes me happy too! :)

i've got a lot things to settle, as in real physical stuff and also mental stuff... hopefully can fulfil/complete most of it in whateva best possible ways. but none are depressing or ultimately tricky (okay maybe 1) so it's fine i'll manage :D

thinking of going for a swim tmr. but depends on what time i wake up and finish housework. got tuition at night somemore. or maybe i shld leave to thurs instead. oh wells, gonna watch one episode of hk drama then good nights! :)

the ladders

2010-06-07T16:50:00.001+08:00

just read about an interesting theory...quoting from xinen's blog:

" Guys and Girls both place their girl and guys friends, respectively, on different ladders. Guys only have one ladder while girls have two.

Two ladders. One that we put guys that could potentially be boyfriends or husbands on and the other, no matter what, strictly and purely friends only. And no matter what the guy does or however close you get to him, will always remain on that ladder. The friends only ladder. while boys on the other ladder have the potential to be classified boyfriend material should the opportunity arise or circumstance occur. And the 2 ladders never touch each other and are independantly standing on their own.

While boys on the other hand, have only one ladder, and with time, effort, some laughs, a few tears maybe, and a whole lot of trust, a girl can move upwards along that ladder and potentially become girlfriend or wifey material. "

maybe we nv realise but subconsciously yes, i do have that 2 ladders. and one of it has been rather vacant except for ..haha you know who alrdy. it's just that he seem to slip up and down the ladder at diff times. and for the record, i think it's right at the top now on that ladder, but that doesn't mean that ladder is surely leading to the correct place in the future where i want it to be.

the A & B story

2010-06-07T16:29:00.000+08:00

i think i made an illegal u-turn somehow.
very much to my reluctance.
but sometimes u just can't help it.
there's a saying:
"women have the natural gift to love someone who don't love them for a v long time,
it's just a matter of when, when they can manage to let go"
i think it's true..
and i sort of foresee me doing that for the next dunoe how many yrs
trying hard to let go but nv succeeding..
until perhaps, the next one comes along :)

so meanwhile, stupid/silly as i may be,
just let me be :)

crying

2010-06-04T17:11:00.000+08:00

i've always been someone who cries easily. i've cried while reading a book, so serious that i had to stop, blow my nose and breathe before i can continue every half a page. i've cried so loudly once in a cinema during the show that ppl sitting a few rows in front turned and stared at me. i've cried so hard one night watching drama that i totally couldnt open my eyes the next morning. but recent years i've been crying much less listening to touching stories or watching otuching scenes.. they no longer seem to be able to trigger my tear glands, which i think it's good for my eyes (becos crying too much spoils the eyes) but it's not gd when there's this about-to-cry-but-cannot-tear that uneasy 'sour' feeling up the nose... yucks. haha was watching grey's and had this exact feeling while george 's dad died.

on the other hand, i've been tearing quite a lot on my own.. like at night random moments with overwhelming feelings of all sorts. and i end up tearing which is v stupid. becos most of the time i dont exactly knows what triggered it. lol. but sometimes i just ignore it and seeing on the bright side, it is actually an avenue to release whatever negative energy that's in me.

so i have had this psuedo feeling that i grew stronger, emotionally becos i can control my emotions and crying better. but maybe deep down inside, i'm still more vulnerable than ever? haha i really dont know.

okay that's rather random. something more interesting? haha eh ok not VERY interesting but here's it: A's gd friend, B ask her to go shopping with him one random day. and A was free so she said yes. and also becos A was supposed to be over B so it's just a best friends' "date". but still, subconsciously A was v anxious about the 'date' and put on a skirt and heels and contacts everything. to her dismay, B turned up in slippers tshirts bermudas and face unshaved. and A feels really stupid ending up with dead feet due to the heels and extremely awkward fear of 'zao geng-ing' with the skirt.

SO A is NOT going to do such stupid stuff again with B. NEVER.

haha ok seems like the world doesn't want to employ anyone for admin for less than 3 months. still jobless as the days go by... today woke up ,vacuum,mopped the floor,dust-clean the furniture, folded the clothes, hand-washed some other clothes, watched 2 episodes of grey's now it's time to go hang another batch of laundry .. wonder why do we ahve so much laundry to do with only3 ppl at home... :(

complaint queens

2010-05-31T12:05:00.001+08:00

people are, by nature, very difficult to satisfy. that's why contentment is the best thing but most difficult thing to have. we complain when u are working or when u dont have a job. we complain when we score badly or did too well and ppl start teasing you about how im-ba u are. we complain when our parents give us too much attention or too little attention. we complain when we are hungry or when we are too full. we complain about everything in this world. we know we should be contented, we tried to be contented, but many a times, how long can the contentment last? in the end we will just slip in and out of the consciousness of how lucky we are. for this, i guess it's just human nature.

okay thats just random. another boring day at home without work and i'm stuck alone at home with my com while my mum and dad works and my sis out w her bf. youtube is getting boring when u are staring it almost everyday. but still, some nice songs to share:)

sit eat talk laugh

2010-05-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

people need friends. all of us need friends. some ppl need a lot of friends. some just have a few close ones. no matter what, the point/truth is, life will be very boring w/o friends...

went fel's party today. did nth much except sit eat talk laugh.and only 5 of us and only for a short while. haha but still, it's really nice to be able to just do that :)

music: "Chasing cars" by snow patrol

not me

2010-05-28T14:35:00.000+08:00

okay i'm not v happy today. slightly better now listening to five for fighting's music :)

i'm not me 24/7. most of the time, i'm me. 20% of it, i'm an imaginary husband or daughter to my mum so she can shout any unhappiness / complaints about them onto me. another 10% of the time, i'm an imaginary wife to my dad while he complains about her. i'm the one doing this weird job becos i'm the free-est , always around my fmaily becos i have no work little outings and at home most of the time. maybe my sis does an imaginary me too, i dont know. it's not a very nice job to do as u can imagine but there's nth much i can do about it.

and recently, i think there's sth wrong with me. i'm becoming an evil jealous irritating possesive sister. i'm always getting jealous over my sis. i keep thinking my mum favours her. esp when she comes bk over weekends from camp. when my sis is not around, i can feel my mum really dotes on me. but when she is around, jealousy just blinds me. i dont like the fact that she can laze ard while i do housework. i dont like my mum having to wash every single extra clothes she brings home from army and even packs her bag for her b4 she books in. i dont like my mum interrupting me when i'm talking just to talk to her. i don't like my mum pushing me away when i'm in her way to talk to my sis. i don't like the fact that my sis is working and providing income to the family and got a scholarship to pay for her studies while i'm not working, gets allowance from my parents and get into a debt to pay for my studies. i don't like the fact that she has a bf when i'm older and i don't have one.. i don't like the fact that she's fitter, slimmer, prettier, smarter, cuter and more likeable by random aunties than me. BUT the truth is i'm just being petty and mean and unresonably jealous. the worse is i cant talk to my mum about it becos she doesn't get to the point that the problem is me knowing i shouldn't be jealous and i still am. she will just stop at the fact that i'm jealous and that is so wrong of me. i'm not upset due to the jealousy. i'm upset over the fact that i am jealous. if u understand the difference. it's jsut like the ugly times. just not about studies this time.

whatever. i'm getting so irritable i find myself irritating. and worse still, the feeling comes and go so fast. it can disappear one moment as soon as i start watching videos or lsitening to music and then appear again the next. :(

okay need some grey's to cheer me up now. i'm really not happy today. hopefully today only cos tmr got party to go to :)

scaringly indifferent

2010-05-27T01:20:00.000+08:00

music playing now: Five For Fighting's album - "Slice"

results! every sem this night there seems to be slightly more ppl on msn, clicking that faithful button just right after midnight, crossing their fingers, closing their eyes, racing hearts then *poof* the truth lies in front of u. some may rejoice, some relieved, or disappointed or sad... those who didn't do well start to either wallow, cry, reget and/or blame thyself & dont want to talk to ppl who did well. for those who worked their ass off and got the shiny reward they deserved, will rejoice, but also feel awkward when facing those who didn't.

we as students, have gone thru this process since we are young, very young, but old enough to know ABC123. test and exams are part and parcels of our life, we can't avoid. and we must not avoid. because without it, nobody can distinguish the smart from the not-so-smart. without it, how do we know if the doctors (sorry thats the first thing that came to my mind. side effect from grey's anatomy) we put our lives into are qualified to do so? without it, there will be no way of telling who deserve to slog all day for a pathetic pay from those who sit in offices and can splurge on LVs or prada.

sidetrack a bit: this song's really nice. "chances" ok thats v random.

so we've accepted that examinations are part of our life. i've too. having survived past that 'ugly times' recently, my results are considered rather decent. (okay 'ugly' is an understatement becos that period was really harder than u can imagine. u really dont know) i've no intention of rejoicing just becos its better than i expected or my overall gpa still stays fine. neither have i any intention to cry my hearts out, blame myself and wallow in regret just becos i know i could do better (or at least i think so). there's all this zen around me that prevents me from being emotional or anything. almost scaringly indifferent i am. i only know what happened happened. and i dont feel like thinking about what was done badly, what should have done better, what'swrong with me or even what lies ahead.

i'm just waiting for my ryerson letter to come so i can start planning some stuff. i need to get a job seriously. i am still overeating though it's alrdy post post-exams but i dont really care. i'm just really bored. but contented. happy. and i'm determined to let nothing change that.:)

new found love: five for fighting:)

u-turns

2010-05-22T21:52:00.000+08:00

i'm still thinking about that random dream. it's just a dream but i was thinking if it was real, what would i do? lol before that when he was not a thing of the past, comments i heard were 'immature' 'too childish for u' from my mum. but now that it was supposed to be past, then i was told he's 'nice family man' 'good guy as husband' etc. untimely ya? haha at first it doesn't really bother me what other says cos it matters most how i feel. but now i'm a bit scared the feeling will come bk... haiz. and seeing him rather frequently recently doesn't help.

but i guess these kind of things... can't do much on my side cos what must happen will happen. hah most impt thing to me is that at the end of the day, he's still one of my best friends :)

a maid's diary

2010-05-21T14:56:00.000+08:00

alrights! just finish 4 days of cleaning up my room... wardrobe shelves desk cupboards everything! even those shared by me and my sis... now my room is v v clean except the corner which belongs to my sis. haha its so neat and clean i wiped off every single bit of dust/dirt in every possible corner in drawers/cupboards etc. behind the cupboards, underneath it... every part u can imagine! now its time for organising my photos and music... i shall start w photos cos i think its easier... :)

got scolded by my mum again.becos? i mentioned my cca ppl planning to go overseas for leisure trip then she thinks i think i'm v rich can go holiday even though i'm going for my exchange alrdy. i NV even promised i'm going la! i know i need money. i AM looking for a job. i check my email EVERYDAY i make sure my phone is loud and ringing 24/7. i comb thru jobscentral, jobstreet, jobsdb, kelly's HR and adecco HR websites EVERYDAY. i send out new applications EVERYDAY. but no one contacts me! WHAT CAN I DO? and the canada trip is drawing so near it just keep reminding me i'm so short of money! and my sis is now confirmed going to UK to study and her scholarship is confirm not giving her enough allowance to spend. and my dad's pay cut is sort of permanent now. ARGH! and i just finished my project last week and this week all i do is housework.. what more she expect of me?!?! i'm so upset and frustrated now! :(

tmr's sat... straits times classified better give me some hope...

come & go

2010-05-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

there are 6.8 billion ppl in this world. and almost 5 million in s'pore. there may be hundreds of ppl we meet each day, in the lifts, at the busstop, on trains, at places where we eat, or just on the streets... and there are some who you became acquaintances with, then friends ... when we were young, we like to say this is my best friend that is my best friend forever. but the truth is, some ppl just come... & then go in ur life. no matter how close u were in the past.

haha relax i'm not emo-ing. i'm just erm..suddenly 感触良多. lol. was looking at a friend's bday party photos.. if it was 2 yrs ago, i would have been invited. then i saw ppl i know in the photos but i wasn't expecting them to be there. no one knows the future, u may be just slightly more than acquaintances today & then BFF the next. or the other way round. it's just so amazing how life turns out along the way...full of surprises, be it pleasant or unpleasant. and it is these unwinding paths that eventually shape us and lead us to the ultimate destination u & I will nv know.

i've no reason to be jealous of ppl who got closer to those i wanted to. no reason to be upset about realising u are drifting away from some ppl u used to be so close to, when we've done all we can. there's only reason to treasure all that u have now. who knows they may turn away from u the next day, or stay with u thru life. there's really no 'forever friends' becos u'll nv know, till forever.

tmr night meeting biao and dong again. so glad we're meeting up weekly. and i want to do so too, for all my friends and family. cos i love u all :)

tidy up!

2010-05-18T22:30:00.000+08:00

still jobless... sian. but sent out mass applications again on sunday to other agencies. recruit express is so not efficient :( so while i'm jobless, spent my past 2 days doing productive work: spring cleaning at home! cleared 1 of my cupboard and today my desk.. whole lot of things i dont know where i got them from! threw a lot of nonsense... and chanced upon contact lists from my sec2,4,jc classes and kpmg colleagues... decided to build up an excel file then realise... h/p no. most prob changed alrdy and my phone has the updated version of those still in contact , addresses not impt cos no one send snail mail now although if it was 2years ago i would still send, birthdays no need cos facebook will remind me.so? end up not doing up any. haha.

tmr's goal is to finish up my 2nd cupboard before going out for dinner... and thurs will be my wardrobe before farrago kbox session... then friday i can start organise the 'virtual' stuff... haha music and photos .... i need a proper clean up of my world, like everything...afresh from the nonsensical complicated clouded confusions and the procastinations and neglect from pure laziness starkly shown during the last sem. i call it 'the ugly times' . haha trying v hard to make sure i dont go bk to the ugly times not only now, but for the future too. rmb my goal is to be happy! :D

i like the feeling of waking up at whatever time i like (minus the nagging from my mum for sleeping in) and having all the time in the world to do whatever i want to :) but i hope it wont last cos i desperately need a job and tuition income is not enough! meet-ups after work seems like a wonderful thing too! :)

had a funny dream ystd. of him. so not timely. or rather, so overdue. wonder why did i dream of that.. haha

last day of EID

2010-05-14T02:29:00.000+08:00

yes its 230am and i'm still doing project. haha video cant seem to run well... v sian but yeah tmr last day then the disgusting 2 AUs is over! :)

today met up with jael dong biao.. too tired to explain a lot but just one word: AWESOME! haha! the thought of meeting up every week thrills me!:D

bk to the video. my com is lagging. lousy.

the other part of my life

2010-05-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

in case u were thinking the wrong way, i'm not talking about the other 'partner' of my life.. haha haven't found. dont worry i will splash it across the newspaper headlines if i did :)

went RSPHI chalet today.. was rather hesitant about going cos thought majority will be juniors i dont know... but hey lucky i went. well, still more than half were juniors and more than 10 of them i couldn't recall their names.. but the 10+ seniors were enough to keep me entertained. haha! we just talked about anything and everything, to work, gossips, school, random etc. then had the chance to practise my signing with the HI.. it was a short stay, less than 3 hours cos had to rush last shuttle bus. but really felt v happy after that. v long nv see these ppl and just reminds me how much i missed them and the times we spent tgt. esp when we were still juniors. haha jiahui finally coming bk this sun, meeting up next week, i cant wait! :D

i can't stress enough: RSPHI is one of the most wonderful things that happened to me :)

the 200th post

2010-05-10T23:40:00.000+08:00

haha wanted to think of sth impt to write but eh... this whole week will be EID so i guess nothing v interesting leh. haha! just copied lots of movies and music from my sis's bf's hard disk... gonna take my time watching all :D

today nth much.. but in rather good mood... and thinking hard about EID stuff. haha gonna sleep soon tmr 9am at NTU :(

coma

2010-05-10T00:32:00.000+08:00

this is the 199th post on this blog.. haha shall think of sth special to write for the next one...

today was coma day.. haha! ystd(sat) at thong's party until quite late.. reach home slept from 12 plus to this morning 730am. went swimming and breakfast w my roomie. then came home slept from 1130 to 5pm. haha! omg la. and its those super concussed kind. guess i was really tired and had nv slept w/o any thing hanging in mind for long.

tmr (and the whole of next week) bk to school for eid... shall search for sth to watch b4 i go head for dreamland AGAIN! haha!

Ip Man

2010-05-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

just watched Ip Man first movie online. only one word to describe: AWESOME! been rare since i watched a truly good movie. i mean like.. e.g. avatar cool! valentine's day funny &sweet! superhero movies all v amazing and entertaining. but Ip Man is different. maybe cos of the emphasis on the CHinese thingy. really touches me form deep within and its NOT AT ALL BORING can.the fighting scenes are truly fantastic. its not like jackie chan kungfu or charlie's angel or the ms rushman in Iron Man II. haha

I WANT TO WATCH IP MAN II!

MOMMY, ITS OVER!

2010-05-07T22:01:00.000+08:00

yeah!! exams FINALLY over! this exam period has been a real torture: with 4 papers in a row clogged all at the end, amazingly depressing modules & my erm.. haha lack of the correct learning attitude. I'm just so glad it's really over i was singing the moment i stepped out of the exam hall.. haha! great company today for lunch, movie and dinner! tmr's super packed : tuition in morning, lunch with jaeldongbiao, cca in afternoon, thong's party at night :D

i have a super long list of to-dos:
1) apply bursary
2) settle canada stuff which includes waiting for the official acceptance letter, packing lists and things like accomodation, books, flights etc
3) housekeeping: wardrobe, notes, desk, cupboard all in a great mess!
4) get organised (i) music (ii) photos (include those hardcopy ones b4 the era of digital cam)
5) get rid of my textbooks the appropriate way
6) blog! my new blog is nowhere near completion but now finally got time to slowly do w/o guilt :D
7) watch a lot of videos and videos and videos...
8) exercise !
9) work towards my direction in life.. haha this is the most important but most difficult task

10) learn baking form xinen! :)
11) meet up and meet up with friends
thats about all for now... more to come :)

hope i'll get a job soon. next week still got EID fair but nah it's much better than aerody or math. haha. alrights!

erm about the reflection post i mentioned ytsd. was thinking about the depressing time i went thru this exam period. rmb the 9/10 test i mentioned? haha that was an online test for signs of clinical depression. the 1 question i replied NO was whether i am sucidal... lol. but ya since the start of this week, i had been in pretty good mood despite all the 'WOW' papers.. guessed i did correct on last sun to not study and really think hard about my own direction in life. was researching on possible careers with my degree (other than aero industry), the required additional training.. and i realised the course fees for being an offical wedding planner :$9k+++! omg. haha went whole big round then clicked on the police force website. haha my old ambition. somehow deep inside i still have a passion for it... but my lack of confidence over my abilities had overshadowed my passion for it. and i do not like that. i'm going to work on buffing up my stamina & be more discplined. afterall if i still dont become a police officer in the end there's no harm rite?

also on sun,wanted to find sth to cheer myself up and look up travelling, photography and drawing stuff... and i realised that i keep complaining about doing stuff i dont like.. but the ultimate way to achieve what i want to do undeniably involves doing stuff i dont like. E.g. i really wish for a DSLR and next time wanna travel at least once every 2 years each for leisure and for overseas voluntary expeditions... but in the first place i need money! so even if i had to endure a engineering job that i dont like, i'll still have to do it.

so conclusion: i need to find my true career interest but meanwhile, even if it takes till after N yrs of working, i will need to put up with the undesired to achieve all my other interests and passion. what i just wrote may sound stupid like.. DUH COMMON SENSE. but actually no, some things are so common sense u think u knew it but u have yet to truly comprehend the ultimate meaning all behind it.

okay i feel like i just had a huge burden off my mind and heart. my greatest goal for the future: be happy! not that i'm not happy now lol,i just dont want the emo side of me to visit me so frequently again .. haha ok time for drama! :)

DOU YI GE!

2010-05-06T21:35:00.000+08:00

one more!!! not v confident about tmr's paper but i guess it feels the best alrdy among all the others.. good luck everyone and in 14 hours time's BYE BYE Exam Blues!

guesss i'll do a long reflection post tmr night.. after my paper AND watching ironman and shopping and meeting up with vin and wei! :D