confidence

suddenly i felt like a highly-sought-after gem, overwhelmed and grateful to all the high expectations, only to let them down one by one. so here's what happen:

1) last thurs: decided not to join COR, got poached by sn and es to join RSPPD and GDU respectively, rejected them with academics as reason
2) last fri: realised how pathetic my resume look w/o any concrete achievements/committee post
3) sat: mingwei called to say she arrange for me COR phone interview, decide to join again
4) sun: finally got the interview, kind of excited wanted to be accepted, then zelin msg to poach me IS director, hesitated
5) mon: whole lot of ppl decide to tell me how i am suitable for the position ze recommend, felt like accepting it but was still pending COR's reply, got into COR at end of day, then suddenly into subcomm of IS as well.
6) tue: reconsidered suyun's suggestion of taking up IS director post concurrent w my COR subcomm, then rmb next week there's a quiz on a module i nv understood from start of first lect plus many outstanding tuts, gave up the idea.

so now i'm in 2 subcomm,again doing things behind the scenes where everyone knows how much i contributed, except the employers becos it was not reflected in any kind of huge leadership positions. and the fact that everyone's telling me i can do a good job while i keep hesitating just makes me realise how gd it felt for my capabilities to be recognised by others and how bad it feels to realise i have so little confidence in myself. i always consider and reconsider whenever there is a great opportunity to shine, and in the end i will choose to let it slip past me. that's so me. oh well.

just registered for IA. did not put any interviewing organisation though logic says it willl give me better chances cos my grades aren't that amazing for them to pick me among the elites of my cohort. reason? i dont want to lie anymore. i've been to interviews where i try to sell myself more than what i am and pretend to sound vv intererested when i'm not. like last time i got the A*STAR jc award, i basically took a brochure right at the waiting lounge to read just before my interview and poured out the info as if i did a lot of readings about the research. becos there was nothing to lose and money to get. i dont want to use a glib tongue to get into a prestigious company to work when i am not truely interested even though there may be good money good prospects.yup so i only put 6 choices, all non-interviewing, see who wants me then. afterall i'm a very good employee, really, just not a good aerospace engineer perhaps.

school's not exactly fine.. w me skipping lessons becos of various reasons, cant find time to finish my tuts becos i may take 2 hours to do one qn, trying to cope with the physical strain from travelling 4 h everyday + sleeping less than 5 hours+tuition + horrible timetable that start early & ends late. i dont get to see the sun when i leave home (except for tue) or when i reach home.
and my doc says that why i'm sick (AGAIN). but i dont see other ppl falling sick every month. i'm just weak.

weekends are now my fav days, i get to do meaningful stuff tgt w great friends by volunteering on saturday, then catching up w my studies on sunday at my own pace, nobody to nag at how much i'm laggin behind or how little time i've left. basically, sundays are the only days i find my lecture notes and tuts interesting ...


thks for asking me random problems to solve... i feel better whenever i can help you, not only because it's you, but it reassures myself i'm still capable of all this :) i will work hard this sem. we will :)