not me

okay i'm not v happy today. slightly better now listening to five for fighting's music :)

i'm not me 24/7. most of the time, i'm me. 20% of it, i'm an imaginary husband or daughter to my mum so she can shout any unhappiness / complaints about them onto me. another 10% of the time, i'm an imaginary wife to my dad while he complains about her. i'm the one doing this weird job becos i'm the free-est , always around my fmaily becos i have no work little outings and at home most of the time. maybe my sis does an imaginary me too, i dont know. it's not a very nice job to do as u can imagine but there's nth much i can do about it.

and recently, i think there's sth wrong with me. i'm becoming an evil jealous irritating possesive sister. i'm always getting jealous over my sis. i keep thinking my mum favours her. esp when she comes bk over weekends from camp.  when my sis is not around, i can feel my mum really dotes on me. but when she is around, jealousy just blinds me. i dont like the fact that she can laze ard while i do housework. i dont like my mum having to wash every single extra clothes she brings home from army and even packs her bag for her b4 she books in. i dont like my mum interrupting me when i'm talking just to talk to her. i don't like my mum pushing me away when i'm in her way to talk to my sis. i don't like the fact that my sis is working and providing income to the family and got a scholarship to pay for her studies while i'm not working, gets allowance from my parents and get into a debt to pay for my studies. i don't like the fact that she has a bf when i'm older and i don't have one.. i don't like the fact that she's fitter, slimmer, prettier, smarter, cuter and more likeable by random aunties than me.   BUT the truth is i'm just being petty and mean and unresonably jealous. the worse is i cant talk to my mum about it becos she doesn't get to the point that the problem is me knowing i shouldn't be jealous and i still am. she will just stop at the fact that i'm jealous and that is so wrong of me. i'm not upset due to the jealousy. i'm upset over the fact that i am jealous. if u understand the difference. it's jsut like the ugly times. just not about studies this time.

whatever. i'm getting so irritable i find myself irritating. and worse still, the feeling comes and go so fast. it can disappear one moment as soon as i start watching videos or lsitening to music and then appear again the next. :(

okay need some grey's to cheer me up now. i'm really not happy today. hopefully today only cos tmr got party to go to :)