it's late into the night. and i am surprisely still awake. just reach home at 12 from a long chatting session at esplanade. didnt wanted to go home but apparently i can't.

dawn's friend who applied for SPF scholarship got it alrdy. 1st week of june. as promised. yet i check my inbox and letterbox everyday. no news. given the small number of scholarships they grant (like 6-7 ppl only), i suppose they do not need to send out emails in batches. i was 60% confident i can get it. now its 98% confident i did not get it. the 1 % is belief in my own abilities. the other 1% depends on fate/luck. it really sucks thinking about it. life was almost going to be perfect if i got it. hostel, tuition fees, living allowance, book and computer allowance , sponsorship for exchange prog. all paid for. all i needed was maybe teach some tuition for additional personal expenses. the consequences of not getting it: all the fees and living allowances including hostel is going to cost a bomb. definitely have to borrow from bank, which ties u to a debt. maybe i will need to teach more tuition? and my mum will have to continue slogging for one of her cleaning part-time job cos we need that income. even if i am selected for exchange prog, still need to fight for other scholarhsip/bursary before i can go. i need to work doubly triply hard to get all the other bursaries available during my 4 yr in NTU. seriously the difference is huge. i am still waiting for that final confirmation from SPF. meanwhile, pray hard and cross my fingers. it's the most important outcome in my life now.

i flew a kite for very long.
when the wind was not too strong
but still flying high and nice.
yet soon the clouds loom in
and the wind turn violent.
i fought hard
tugged at it
i thought of holding on forever.
but it's tough.
and tiring.
I chose to let go.
unwilling but yes, i let it go.
Or at least i thought i did.
Just when i was almost over it,
the kite reappeared right in front of me.
a bit torn and tattered.
but still my favourite.
i tried to look away
ignore it
tell myself to just walk away.
in the end, i picked it up
and once again kept it
right inside my cabinet,
waiting
till the day i dare to fly it again.